Shoes

I like them. Never have I ever considered myself to be one of those girls that die for shoes and although I still will not make a stupid squeal when I do come across a cute pair, I realized, ok yes I do like them a lot. I just realized because I noticed all the ones I own. I only wear about 3 of them. This is due to the fact that I hate blisters. They ruin my life. Every shoe I purchase I envision myself just dealing with the pain and breaking the shoes in but then when it comes time to actually do that I envision me hating my life for that night in those uncomfortable shoes and stick with my comfort zone shoes. I go from 0 to 100 on the bitch scale when a blister has formed. Its really annoying to walk with a blister. There are about a million things that could be happening worse to me at the moment I have to walk a few blocks with a blister in the most uncomfortable shoes such as being stranded on a piece of wood in the atlantic ocean surrounded by sharks with one leg bitten off but at that moment that I have to walk with that shoe and that blister, life seems to be at its max worst. (I know that is a horrible sentence and may take a few times to read before you understand how it works but I wrote it not jokingly and its so bad I had to keep it for the humor) I recently questioned would you rather have to be in the situation where you had to pee uncontrollably and were forced to hold it for 15 minutes before you reached a toilet (and there is no option of going before the 15 min) or have to walk for 15 minutes in the same shoes that caused you to have the worst blisters ever. Everyone but myself chose they would rather have to pee bad cause they hate blisters. I chose walk in the blisters because I hate needing to go to the bathroom. So basically what I just wrote earlier is contradicted and I do not know where I am going with this blog.

Honking

It's a funny reaction to see someone attractive and honk your horn.
I get pretty mad when people honk at me when I'm on my bike because I'm being legit.
I have used the honk for its actual purpose maybe twice.
I prefer honking over going out and ringing the doorbell.
I find it rude if a boy were to do that unless he used the doorbell and I told him a honk would suffice from now on.
Mitch Hedberg has a good joke on honking: I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn, because people honk the car horn too much. 3 honks, that's the limit. And then someone cuts you off, ffffft, you press your horn, nothing happens. You're like, "shit! I wish I wouldn't have seen Ricky on the sidewalk!"
I think that joke is better if you heard him say it.
What is the honky tonk? I hate every country song with that word in it. Actually I just hate every country song.
If my car honk had a cute honk to it I would use it a lot more.
If it had one of those mini little tune to it, it would be worn out by now.
I should get a bumper sticker that says Honk For Peace so then whether they were honking because I did something wrong or honking for peace, I would assume it was peace and be more at peace with myself.
I prefer the honk + middle finger. It adds a lot.
I did that once. It was necessary. Then they were next to me for several minutes. It was awkward.
Do geese honk? I think so.
I have no opinions on a clown having a red nose that is honkable.

Condiments

I think condiments are not that interesting, yet interesting enough to blog about. I just recently heard that Ketchup is considered trashy. I am not sure how I feel about that statement just yet. Let me think about it and get back to it.

I love hot sauce, as a true blogging fan of mine would already know. Mustard is sicker than severed arms covered in butter. I do however like wearing the color mustard: very fashionable. Mayo couldn’t get any ghettoer. I think its equivalent to eating lard and I think that’s gross. Egg salad has mayo in it and I think that adds to the sick nasty factor of it all. I hate seeing people put relish on things. Its so gross and why would you ever eat it? Actually, I never ate relish. I know I won’t like it, ergo I will never try it because I am mature enough to know what I like and do not like without having to try it first. Please don’t tell me that I have to try everything at least once because I don’t.

Would you consider humus a condiment?

I like vinegar on fries. It’s a good change from ketchup. I think if I could only choose ketchup or vinegar for a lifetime of fry eating I would choose ketchup, but because vinegar is rare I choose it when given the opportunity cause it’s a nice taste. I love love love ketchup on my fries though and I eat a lot of it on every fry if given the opportunity. I would approximate my ultimate ketchup to fry ratio would be one packet to 4 fries. Yes, I know that fries come in all different shapes and sizes but I am referring to the average sized fry. Waffle fries are too good. Catsup on anything but fries is rank. I do not put it on burgers or hot dogs. I don’t like ketchup bread. Its really gross.

Steak sauce? I don’t see a need for it. I actually can’t recall if I have ever tried it but steak rocks on its own so why go overboard?

Ranch dressing used to be so awesome to me. Now I look at it and get a little gross feeling in my stomach. Its just so heavy. I guess I still like it on chicken fingers but I’m a flexetarian now so I rarely come across that opportunity. Putting ranch on a salad defeats the purpose of a salad. I’m gonna eat a salad only to be healthy, so if I put ranch on the stupid salad its most likely as fattening as eating something good so obvi I’m going to pick the something good.

There are more condiments, but I would prefer to stop talking about them now. I will leave you with this discussion topic: Is maple syrup a condiment? It is in Elf but I’m not sure if I would classify it as one. And also, do you pronounce it sir-up or sere-up or use them both interchangeably?

Chunks

Chunky highlights are white trash.
I named my car Chunk.
The term "blowing chunks" is the worst way you can describe vomit.
Chunk is the best character in The Goonies, but I also am typical and have a love for Sloth.
I did not like spaghetti for 13 years because I could not find a sauce without any chunks in it.
I now buy salsa chunky style and I still do not understand how I like it.
I would like Fat Joe better if he was called Chunk Master Flex/Chunk Nasty/Chunk This Dunk.
Chunky boys are cute because they resemble a cuddly teddy bear.
Chunky shoes should never be worn.
All ice cream with the word chunk in it is amazing UNLESS its describing nuts.
There is a town called Chunky, Mississippi and I kinda want to live there.
When your hair comes out in chunks in the shower you should change your lifestyle.
Chunky Kong in Donkey Kong 64 is awesome.
When the first part of lotion to come out is a chunk, I find it gross.
Typing "chunk" in urbandictionary.com and reading every term with chunk in it will make you laugh.
Chocolate chip cookies are better when they have double chocolate chunks in them.
In the world of hard metal, guitarists may sometimes be found "chunking" out heavy, low-end riffs.
I like the word chunk.

Halloween

This is an interesting holiday. Did you know that candy at Wegmans is not most popular at Halloween time? What time is it most popular you ask? Christmas! Stalking stuffers I would assume. But I am glad I know that because if I was on a game show and my question was when do grocery stores stock up on candy the most and I 50/50ed it down to Christmas or Halloween, I think I would have said Halloween final answer. So, I consider myself lucky. How did I get this exclusive information you ask? The head of the candy department at Wegman's told me. Moving on, yeah I like halloween. It's my one chance to be a super slut and dress it too. Actually, to tell you the truth I have not really taken advantage of this holiday for that reason yet. But I am still young. Maybe if it was warmer the thought of dressing like that one day maybe would cross my mind. But I get really mean when I'm at an uncomfortable temperature and so I like to be comfortably warm. It's hard to be warm and slutty at the same time. Here are things that I have been for halloween: mermaid, witch, miss ugly america, statue of liberty, genie, native american, asian lady, old lady, bee, grapes ..but every year I went trick or treating, no matter what I was when I dressed up for school, I was a hobo at night. It was always too cold to wear my real costume, so my parents made both me and my sister pretend we were hobos. All we did was put on my dads old hunting jackets, put brown make up on our face to look dirty and tell people we were hobos. My statue of liberty costume got me in second place for best costumes of the 5th graders. Morgan won being a giant piece of cheese. It was a good costume.
Do you remember those M&Ms costumes? When my friend was in 4th grade she wore a white one and made it say Tylenol. I always thought she was really funny for that. Then the next year she was a snickers bar but she really was just a giant piece of poop.
My most recent costume was grapes. I wore all green and pinned purple balloons on myself. We went to a show (Deerhoof and Fiery Furnaces) that night then to a party. Being grapes is a bad idea when you go to shows. Being grapes is a bad idea when you have to get in a car. Being grapes is a bad idea when you want to reach your hand to your mouth to drink anything. Being grapes is a good idea when you want to bounce in peoples faces.
In conclusion, Halloween is a nice day and I hope I never have that awkward moment at work where I am unsure if they dress up or not so I do and no one else does and then I have to sit in my office with my tinkerbell costume all day.

Hair Gel

just don't do it.

Coming Soon...

water beds. happiness inside nilla wafers. cripple rape. 7th grade chat rooms. edible underwear. Mike Tyson. pros and cons of sarcasm. party pooping 101. purple M&Ms. wet farts. magic tricks. air pounds. cinnamon butter. thick dicks. ugly fruit. clone high. makeovers. so you wanna be a hermit part II XXX edition. severed arm obsessions. the art of spooning. skanky hoes. Sarah Jessica Parker. mooning in the dark. pounding beers. whispering sweet nothings. sensitive plants. pouring hot wax on Ricky Martin. crustpunks. biting the bullet. bum fights. honky tonk. blood rags. tmnt green. jumanji. Korn and heroism. wigi. andy dick's scissor hands. Dance TV. dogs in wheelchairs. tickling. pounders. comfort zone. stomach issues. last resort: eHarmony. white trash: buffet style. dick move prevention. the white ninja. organ donations. caressing skills of nerds. types of farts. jokester wannabes. attractive women gyrating on awkward men. hair gel. druggies. eye f*cking. geek gods. breathtaking scenery. eye patch and cape styles. definition of a loser. annoyance of stupidity. cher. why tall people don't necessarily play basketball. what its like to rock out. shimmy techniques. silverfish. emolicious. true life: my boss has a tramp stamp. kirby. the hopeless romantic. look whos barfing now. the official diss guideline. never eat soggy wheaties. eye contact. what not to eat.top 10 reasons why dogs eat poop. how to remove embarrassing walnut stains. tom green. worst way to die. what i like about plinko. life changing lyrics. crotch kicking. downfalls of living the techno dream. menu formatting. the pity laugh. jonesing for beef patties. reba.

Buffalo Hipsters

indie music. off the wall. flats. ipods. side ponytails. black eyeliner. biking. SPoT coffee. tight black pants. deuces. parks. sparks.white vneck ts.wes anderson movies. straight leg jeans. tofu. scarves in the summer. macs. opinionated. big ass sun glasses. chuck taylors. thick framed glasses. kit's face stickers. being pale. death to mainstream. hair so styled. clothes so dark. amvets. myspace. sweet n dirty. being vegetarian. mohawk. calculator watch. skinny. ferngully. bacchus movies on wednesdays. vegan cupcake parties. amy's place. html coding skills. not taking showers. vans slip ons. having dreams of moving to chicago/nyc/portland/toronto. doom metal castle. supernaut booking. drinking wine in arlington park. sound lab. sugarfree redbulls. allentown. blogz. rolled cigs. tattoos. reading hemmingway. drawing anchors. zines. plaid. humus. kitchen dist misser. music snob. creepy staches.

Rudenosity

It's rude to call people stupid dicks without meeting them.
It's rude to think all girls are sluts.
It's rude to burp a smelly one and blow it in someone's face.
It's rude to mooch 24/7.
It's rude to make the gross face at people when they are not trying to be gross.
It's rude to write a blog about being rude when you know someone hates when you say rude.
It's rude to watch broccoli in someone's teeth and not say anything.
It's rude to not shower when you know you will be flying in a plane.
It's rude to blog about stereotypes.
It's rude to stare at ugly people because they are ugly.
It's rude to play the "how many beers does it take to hook up with him" game
It's rude to throw bang drops at people you do not know.
It's rude to use the phrase "I'm just being honest" when you know its hurtful.
It's rude to make fun of pale people when you are with pale people.
It's rude to not accept someone because they like egg salad.
It's rude to pull someone's pants down in public when the person has low self esteem.
It's rude to always pick the shy kids of the class to read.
It's rude to not be a gentleman.
It's rude to hire midget strippers.
It's rude to order grilled cheese at fancy restaurants.
It's rude to overuse the "I was drunk" excuse.
It's rude to ask people what is on their face when its clearly a zit gone wrong.
It's rude to keep your nolongerloved one around so he can buy you things.
It's rude to have a huge party and talk about it in front of people that are not invited.
It's rude to throw up on the person shoes's that is holding your hair back and not offer to clean it up the next day.
It's rude to make fun of people for things they cannot help.
It's rude to tell someone that crisco is frosting to trick her into eating it.
It's rude to point at the girl that likes your brother and laugh that she actually thinks she has a chance.
It's rude to love 'em and leave 'em, unless its mutual.
It's rude to force someone to open their mouth and close their eyes and stick your butt in their face and fart in their mouth.
It's rude to wear cowboy hats when its not halloween.
It's rude to throw meat at vegetarians.
It's rude to taunt wannabe vegetarians with meat.
It's rude to use someones computer when you have sticky fingers.
It's rude to tell a bum to get up from a bench so you can sit there.
It's rude to swear and yell at a tired old man eating an ice cream cone.
It's rude to give your roommates belongings away.
It's rude to ask someone to prom as a joke.
It's rude to wipe your boogers on someone you do not know.
It's rude to go to a meditating class and fol (fart out loud).
It's rude to stain someone's couch and flip it over before they notice its stained.

Ghetto

bling. booties. shopping at rainbow. Cheeto's. iguanas as pets. air force ones. phat pharm. using cell phones on bikes. chains. dembitches. hoop earrings. purple drink. drama. gun shot wounds. man whores. bratz dolls. plain white tees. -izzy. clubs. clock necklaces. bailey. sponge bob paraphernalia. newspaper wrapping paper. long nails. bartons. tooth accessories. nextel. mayo. snail mail. beef patties. geico. sparkling letters in myspace comments. barrettes. bacon. slushies. grilled cheese. text language. spray painted looney tunes Ts. big mac. grindin'. throw away cameras. th = d. mesh shorts. talent shows.Buck Wild. talking to the hand. duct tape. South Pole jeans. genny light. corn dogs. blue eyeshadow. talk boy. gap between teeth. air drying. "baby". ballin'. whistling. fish smell. fabreeze. fish smell covered up with fabreeze. molson xxx. stray cats. faucet water. atlanta. construction paper. stained thongs. side mouth chat. boppin'. butter. swamp porn. hotmail. never using "ing". brit spears from '04-present. ass pads. belly jewelry. multicolored braces. cherry coke. slanted skirts. using a toilet scrubber. impalas. smokin' n ridin'. pitbulls. smack down. dollar tree shower curtains. signature dance moves. cheesy potatoes. wearing "ice". bubble jackets. exotic nature scenes. snow cones. band aids on cheeks. hankies. roller skates. bath and body works body spray. walkman. pimps. controlling the movement of your pecs. portable fans with water sprayer attached. pit stains. weekly steaks. dry humping. fox news. fake purses. middle fingers. saggy boobs. radios. alleys. mazda mvp. giving pennies for halloween. lice.

please note: ok, not all of these are ghetto but it was funny to me calling some of the things ghetto.

Boogers

Boogers are not the best thing in the world. When people have unknown boogers in their nose, I feel really uncomfortable. Uncomfortable to the point where I need to get out of the convo asap. It's a lose-lose situation because if I tell the person he has a boog in his nose, then its just awkward of what to do next, but if I don't and he goes to the bathroom and discovers the nasty unknown boog then it's really awkward when he comes back and knows I've seen it all along. Or if someone else joined the conversation and takes the initiative to mention the boog then I look like an ass. So as soon as I spot the unknown boog, I get out.
It's kinda funny when its so cold out that people cant feel their nose and they have snot running everywhere. It's funny but super sick and I wish it did not happen. I just hate runny noses. I hate when people sniff it up in class. Makes me upset.
An exfriend I had in preschool told me she put her boogers in her nails and eats them later. I stopped our friendship right then and there cause I couldn't handle her touching my things. I think thats a very legitimate reason for ending friendship.
Also, please don't look at your tissue in public when you blow a load out your nose.
Boogers are for the birds.

Voicemails

When I first got a cell phone my senior year of high school, receiving a voicemail was super exciting. Now, it just pisses me off. Ok, not crazy mad, but just annoyed. Ugh, I have to listen to my voicemails. Maybe I find it annoying because they are never actually important. Or maybe I don't like them because I listen to them when I do not have the time to call them back. Or maybe because most are just a waste of time. I do however like drunk voicemails. They bring the lonely smile out in me. But I guess people that see me doing the lonely smile think I am talking on the phone so its alright. I prefer drunk voicemails over drunk phone convos because they are quick and to the point. "Hi im drunk so I wanted to say hi". Whereas, if I answer, they tend to drag out the convo and I have no idea what they are even saying. Amusing though.
But there are several voicemails I like. Nice happy ones brighten up my day. The truly painful part of a voicemail is taking the time to open up my phone and call it. Cause I do not like that lady that talks to me and tells me how many voicemails I have. It takes longer for her to do that than for me to listen to them. It's annoying and unnecessary. I do not see why I cannot skip over that intro if I so choose. Dumb.
I also think the voicemails that start out slow, drag on and on, and then get real speedy at the end are funny because you took long enough why not just talk at a normal pace and finish it. But the only reason I bring this up is because I do it every day. I just have a lot to say in voicemails and talk way too much. It's a huge problem and I feel really bad because for someone that doesn't like voicemails, I should not be leaving them. But I do.
The other part of voicemails is your own recording. I dislike people that make it long. My sister has the worst one. She has George Costanza's. The "Believe it or not, I'm not at home, pleeeease leave a messssssage at the tone, I must be out, or I'd pick up the phone...where could I beee?etc....." It was funny when she first made it. I laughed. I'll admit. But, its 2 years later and she has not changed it. I do not laugh anymore. I get really annoyed. I have to leave her a voicemail or I will forget what I needed to say. So, things like that are pretty annoying as well.
I also hate when someone calls and I know its news I do not want to hear so I put the voice mail off for as long as possible. But that little icon is there on my phone annoying me that I have to listen to it. How annoying.
I was always opposed to the just leave your name and the lady does the rest, but they are somewhat efficient. And professional. When starting new careers, one needs to remember to keep a professional voicemail. And call back tones are important as well. But at the same time, if I was an employer and I called someone to set up an interview and that person's callback tone was Tommy Lee "Get Naked" I would hire them right on the spot because that is funny. So it could help or hurt you. If I were to call and it was anything that has to do with country, I would hang up and never call them again.
There is a lot to consider when making and leaving voicemails. Short and snappy is key. Most people are good with calling their missed calls back even when the people do not leave voicemails and for that I am thankful because that saves a lot of time. If it weren't for the people that say, "well I didn't call you back because you did not leave a voicemail" then the problem would be solved.
Basically, there needs to be a change to the voicemail world. I do not want to hear that lady's voice. That is a good start to the change. I want it to be a norm to call back missed calls that did not leave a voicemail. And I want everyone with a long voicemail to change to just their name or something snappy. And I will do my part and work on not leaving extremely long voicemails.

To Catch A Predator

I think this show is good. It's very funny and it's saving our world from gross people. I appreciate it. I do not understand the people that have been on the show twice. Are they actors? Because thats too good of television I think. TWICE? ON THE SAME SHOW? gosh. That's awesome. The naked guy made me laugh. I mostly hated the guy that wrote about messing around with the girls cat the most. I think they should give him the death penalty. I dont believe in the death penalty, but since its still around, why not. jkjk zlozl I dont wish death upon anyone. But if I were to, he would be in my top 10. Because I like cats. ok so on to the show... When I first saw it I thought, " I would never let my child be that girl!" cause thats scary having her all around sickos and talking to them, but then I heard shes old. So thats ok. Shes one of those andy milenokis people: looks 13 but is 30. weird. I dont know how I feel about that andy show. I thought it had potential till I found out he wasnt 12. Then I thought it was not funny especially cause I was struggling to find the humor when I did think he was 12, but I will admit I did laugh at it a few times. I am not sure if I like or hate the song in the beginning.
so about tcap, its really good. reality tv at its finest. I like shows that do good for society but are interesting as well. That one show that builds houses (Extreme Makeover Home Edition) for people is really nice, but ty pennington makes me not able to watch it. but im still glad its a popular show because its a nice thing. but I chose to write about tcap and not that one cause tcap is really funny in addition to the benefits it provides. Is this bad: sometimes I feel bad for the person. yes yes yes hes super sick freak and I hate his guts for what he is intending to do, but they get so sad, for good reason cause their life is over, and I cant help but feel a little sorry for them. like the ones that say please dont tell my wife please dont tell my wife. I guess I dont pity the man as much as the family. cause thats so horribly embarrassing for the wife. and kids. and friends. ew yick yuck. moving on, another part that I loooove is when they catch him. I am not sure if its necessary to be dressed like a bush. but its completely awesome that they do that. aAll in all, to catch a predator gets two thumbs up in my book!

The Wink

I once fell victim to overdoing the wink. I thought it was really funny and couldn't control the lid of my right eye and just winked the shit out of people. I would do it all the time and yeah it was funny for a while but I just went too far with it. I got to thinking about the wink because this one man that I pass every day in the hall at work always looks at some fake horizon off in the distance so he does not have to say hello to me, but today he finally looked and not only that but he gave me a nice little wink. Not so much that was it creepy, but just a gentle "hi" wink. That's when I realized that winks are actually funny. Not when you overuse them like I had once done in my earlier, more immature, years, and not how that man used it to say hi to me, but using a wink for the actual original purpose of a wink. The wink is really funny if you use it correctly.
Example of winking for its orignal purpose: I am with my two friends, Hank and Wendy. We are in math class. I say to them both, "I'm really nervous for the test we have today." Hank freaking out responds, "WHAT! A TEST! I didnt know we have one!" Wendy nervously looks at me. I give her a subtle wink. That's her clue. She says, "HANK! You didn't study?!?! I've been studying for days!"...like that.
I dunno. I was just thinking about it and using a wink for the hint is good. But not if you overdo it. You have to be very sparing with your winks, thats the key. It's not really funny anymore if u use it to say hi or to be fake creepy. Well maybe a little, but the real humor comes from using a wink for what its meant to be used for. I have yet to actually do this, so in my head I think it would be good, but who knows if I would actually laugh if someone did that to me. But I think I would be amused.

The Response

When I get a new hair cut, for example, and its noticeable and no one says anything, its very sad/embarrassing. It means that its so bad that they can't even mention it. They think they are playing it up like they do not notice, but they do and I know and I get sad. I used to use that as my approach to not having to mention things, but I realized its rude because we all know I noticed and its just rude. It's even better to say its not THAT bad than to say nothing at all. But when someone says its not that bad, that means its pretty bad and that is sad. I also don't like when say for example when I did get that hair cut and someone stares at it for so long that they say they like it. No, you do not like it, you were just looking at its ugliness for so long you had to say something. In conclusion, when I get a bad hair cut:
a. if you do not say anything, I am sad
b. if you say its not that bad, I am sad
c. if you say you like it, I am sad
So, I now try to get less noticeable haircuts so I can just hope that they truly do not notice.

Sticky Buttons

Why is it so miserable to use a computer with sticky buttons? Why is it always the most important button that is on the keyboard that is sticky. I guess since its the most used its the most prone to be sticky. But its really annoying because I rarely use x. It actually could be sticky and I wouldnt really know because I never really use it. I dont like it. Or the stupid F_ buttons. I dont really care about them. They can be sticky and my life wouldn't be too bad, but when the space bar is sticky my world gets a little gloomier. In addition to the gloom, its gross cause what caused that stickiness? When I'm at the computer in the library and its sticky, I just think ewww some gross smelly person was eating some caramel popcorn and sticking his fingers all down his throat and then touching his dirty hands all over the place on the keyboard. Most likely staying away from the x or F_ buttons because it would be too convenient to let the stick fall on those ones. No he has to save all his stick ick nasty fingers for the space bar. Not only are sticky keyboards the pits, but don't even get me started on sticky controllers for nintendo. My little cousins love ruining my controllers. I don't know if its physically possible for them to play without having sticky sick hands. Maybe it helps them play? But I find it really annoying cause I have gotten into actual arguments with my sister for who gets the sticky controller. No one wants it. If you lose you blame it on the controller. If you win you boast the hell of it saying how amazing you are winning with the sticky controller. Its just no fun all around. Some kids just look sticky. They are always the ones that try to hold my hand. And the ones with colds. They are obsessed with holding hands. I would probably buy a new cell phone if it had a sticky button. The buttons are too few to be having one be troublesome. A pound I would consider not getting a new one but then again its the space bar for my texts so its very necessary. I do not like letting sticky looking people borrow my calculator either. The last thing I need during a test is to have a sticky button and be getting annoyed at that in addition to the fact that all tests are pretty annoying. I did let someone borrow my calculator once and it came back sticky. It was very annoying. But I just pressed the button about 1,000,056 times till it got sick of sticking and back to his old self. In conclusion, sticky fingers annoy me and I wish people would try a little harder to rid themselves of the stick.

People

I like nice people because they make me happy. I like people that care about the environment because it gives me hope. I don't like cocky people because no one needs 'em. I like funny people because they entertain me. I don't like boring people because they make me tired. I like weird people because they make me think. I don't like jerks because they make me frown. I like cultured people cause they teach me things. I don't like animal haters because they piss me off. I don't like smelly people cause they hurt my nose. I like optimists because they are uplifting. I like pessimists because they bring me down to reality. I don't like insensitive people because they make me cry. I don't like gross people because they gross me out. I like nerds because they make me smarter. I like players because they tend to have a chin strap. I don't like people that say, "I know right", because I find it annoying. I don't like dicks because they perform dick moves. I like people that share my interests because it creates good conversations. I like people that are good at puns because they are awesome. I don't like bitches because they are rude dudes. I like tennis players because its a good sport. I don't like brown nosers because they are the worst. I don't like muscular people because it comes with an attitude. I like people that are witty because its clever. I like smiley people because they cheer me up. I like musicians because I think they are cool. I don't like people that ask too many questions because they don't try to think. I like x-treme people because everythings more exciting that way. I like people with odd talents because its impressive and humorous at the same time. I like creative people because they have good brains.

I also like cats.

The Lonely Smile

When a person is walking all by him or herself and they are smiling its really nice. You know that that person is just so happy at that moment in his/her life. I really want to know what they are so happy about. I thought of this because I just did it. Its really nice and happy and then you notice someone spots you smiling to yourself and then its not as happy anymore because you just feel weird. But its really funny to be all alone and just walking, yet so happy that you can't hide smiling. Sometimes I am so close to reaching laughter but I try so hard to hold it in, cause who laughs to themselves? That would actually be scary. But I feel that funny things happen to me and then I will be walking down a long hallway and boom it pops into my head and I really need to laugh. So there I am walking alone and smiling my face off. Then people look at me and I wish I wasn't. But I really like when I see people doing that so I guess it is ok that I do it. It is kinda a day brightener. If I see someone smiling all to their lonesome, I start smiling cause they look so funny.
The worst is when people would ask what you are smiling about. Because it could be something so random. Something most likely from last night, but I have been caught to be smiling at a childhood memory. Then when they ask, I just feel weird saying, "Oh I was just laughing when I was 4 and my sister took my face and smashed it on our coffee table cause she was mad at me and I have a scar from it but now I was just thinking what my parents were thinking when it happened cause thats so violent so I decided to think about it as I'm walking from English to Differential Equations". So the lonely smile is a lot better when you see people you don't know doing it, or people you don't know see you doing it because when you have to talk about it, it ruins all the fun.

Rat Tails

Rat tails are amazing. Seriously amazing. Who thought of it? What was going through their head when they decided to go for that look? "I want all of my hair short except for one sick string of hair in the back...kinda like a tail on a rat". Yes, good idea. Very good idea. I once made my friend take a picture of a man with the best rat tail I ever saw. I was at cedar point and there it was. He fit the perfect stereotype of your typical rat tail supporter. The cutoff jorts, the john deer hat, and the t-shirt shirt that said something about America. The best was his rat tail was through the back hole of his john deer hat and that his rat tail exceeded past his butt. It couldn't have been more perfect. I needed a pic of it. But how can we take it without being really rude? I needed to capture this memory for the rest of time but I didn't want him to know! I guess I'm rude. ok so what we did was I stood near him with some thumbs up, so my friend made it look like the pic was being taken of me, but really he captured a perfect snap shot of the rat tail in action. When composing this blog I had all intentions of putting that pic up as the pic for the blog, but then I felt like that was wrong. So forgive and forget.

A kid that I went to grade school with sported a nice rat tail from first to 4th grade. It was pretty awesome. I feel bad cause it haunts him for the rest of eternity. I just recently reminded some old friends of how he used to wear it and I cannot see him without asking him if he remembers when he had one. I'm not sure if he likes that or not. If I was a boy, I def would be proud that I had one if it was not as a joke but because I thought it looked cool. I mean I had weird fashions as a child, not as extreme as the rat tail, but I would def have in my myspace about me: I had a rat tail and thought it was cool for 4 years of my life. Because that sums up everything.

I love when rat tails are braided. Its great. I think its a really good idea. I think when I have kids, I will give them rat tail hair cuts. so I can just laugh at them a lot. Even if they are girls. Why not? You only live once. I think a few of my friends that are girls had mini ones growing up. poor kids.

All in all, mullets are overdone and rat tails are way better anyways.

My Pillow

My pillow makes me extremely happy. I am very sensitive about it. I get really annoyed if it touches anything that it should not. I think it is slightly weird yet I cannot not feel that way. The worst thing in the world with my pillow is when a foot touches it. It is meant for heads. Not feet. Feet are the worst part about humans. I hate them. They are gross in every way. When a foot touches my pillow I can go from being super happy and loving life to super sicked out and worrying about how gross that is. I feel like a brat changing the cover for every foot that touches it and I try to brush it off like its no biggie, but inside I want to scream/shrivel up into a sad little ball. I think that is really weird, but it is the truth. I really hate a foot on my pillow. I hate anything but my face on the pillow, but a foot really gets me.
My pillow makes me so happy because sleep makes me so happy. But sleep without my pillow makes me less happy. When I am without my pillow I just think about the better sleep that I could be getting with my pillow if I had it. There are a few occasions where I am pretty content with the pillow that I am sleeping on that is not my own and I am very thankful for those days, but for the most part, I need my pillow to reach maximum happiness.
It's ironic because my pillow is barely a pillow. It lost its fluff and now it is just a few feathers in a sack. But it is most comfortable to me spiritually, physically, and mentally. I am complete with my pillow and I appreciate all the times we share together.
I so want to get one of those >$100 pillows. They look nice but I'm not sure how the parting of the pillow I love so much would go over. I think it would be a slow transition where I have my loved one next to me and the new one in front of me. I will start with the new but end up on the old. Then the new will be pushed in the corner and I will realize that I can never part with my first true love, my pillow.
I think I love my pillow so much I should name her. Her or him? I'm not sure what is more normal. If I decide a girl is more normal I will name her Trista. If I decide it is more normal to say my pillow is a boy then I will name him Philip. Well I think I will name my first dog Philip. I just think that is funny. But if I never get a dog, then I will make it my pillows name. But I do plan on getting a dog, actually 2, one huge one and one little one and they will be best friends and it will look really funny, but besides that I will name one Phil, so then I think I would name my male pillow Terrance.
I think a fleece pillow cover would be really comfy. I'm going to look into that.

Napoleon Dynamite

Napoleon Dynamite is funny. This is why I am mad at America for overkilling it. I can't watch it. When it first came out, I loved it. I liked so many parts of it, I wanted moon shoes, tator tots tasted better, and I loled every time I thought about the steak hitting Nap on the bike. I don't think I could watch it again though because it was the most overkilled movie I ever experienced. Stop saying you were "online looking at hot babes all day". That WAS funny, till YOU ruined it, America. If I ever watched it with someone and that certain someone quoted every quote they could including singing every lyrics to the "yes i love technology" song, I would stab their arm with a moldy fork. (Can forks get moldy? It sounded better and more original than rusty.) Anyways, I'm just mad at the overkill because I would like to watch it again. Yet, I hate it double time because I know that if I were to watch it, I would be tempted to quote it. That just makes me sick.

Beefcakes

I really like using the terminology "beefcake". It's funny. But an actual man that is a beefcake, hes a lot funnier. Just because you take steroids you think people will think you are hot. Just because you workout more than you sleep, you think people will adore you. The sad thing is, yes, there are people to adore you which is why you continue to stare at yourself in the gym mirror, but for the most part I rate you a huge OH PLEASE. Most beefcakes aren't even cute because they:
a. wear wife beaters
b. carry around gallon water jugs to be cool
c. are too concerned about their looks
d. gel their hair
e. go tanning
f. OD on cologne
g. head knod
h. 50% of their conversations are about protein, 45% about bangin hot babes, 5% just dumb
ok but I will give them one thing. It is a common trend for the average beefcake to sport the hot and sexy chin strap. OH GAWD when I see a really good chin strap, it makes my day. The thinner the better. I want to know what they are thinking when they are shaving and they leave that tiny string on their face out. I don't get it.
But I appreciate having beefcakes around because they make me laugh a lot. And I should befriend one when it comes close to moving cause that would be pretty convenient.

The Poop Pen

This is the poop pen. A friend sent me a link to ebay that was selling this pen. My first reaction was "ew you're so sick" but then I decided to give it a chance. The header for selling the pen is: EWWWWWWWWW! IS THAT POOP? WHOA, ITS A PEN?? COOL. So, ya, that is kinda funny. But still, my first thoughts were just why. Why does this need to be created? But then after contemplating the poop pen for several minutes, I thought of ways that it could be funny. For example, I work in a very professional setting. I think if I used that as my pen at a meeting, but acted like it was normal, that that would be very funny. I would need to time when to pull it out though. I would have to wait till the actual meeting began so there was no time for someone to question it. Its better if everyone just sees it, but since the main person is talking you just stare at the pen and want to say something but can't. So for that reason, I think it would be funny to own this. Why is fake poop so humorous? I do not know. Maybe sometimes I wish i didn't find it funny, but the fact is, I do.

Alarm Clocks

I need an alarm clock that will wake me up but not put me in a horrible mood.
The buzzing really makes me hate life.
The beeping makes me want to pull out my hair.
The cute little moving ones that crack stupid morning jokes make me want to puke.
I need an alarm clock that will wake me up into a pleasant awakening with a happy attitude going into the rest of the day. I'm not sure that exists. I currently use my cell phone and I put it in vibrate mode and it has been working well until yesterday for the first time in my life I slept right through my double alarms that I set! So this morning I felt the need to use the alarm sound again. It was painful. Physically painful. I think purchasing a good alarm clock is worth coughing up some extra bucks but I do not know what is a good alarm clock. What about those ones that are jungle noises. I don't think that would be too bad. I used to think the ones that slowly get louder and louder would be good, until I used it and wanted to kill it in a harsher and more twisted way every time it raised a notch on the volume. The problem with that was I woke up at the slightest sound, so it just got worse every second. I think the actual rooster ones are the worst. I think I would accidentally kick real roosters because they reminded me of how mad they make me each morning and I'm not into harming animals. The worst alarm clock was my mother. In high school I let her wake me up. Bless her little heart for being so kind as to wake me up, but it just made me so mad at her! No scratch that, the worst was my little cousin. Whoever thought it was funny to tell little Olivia to wake up her cousin should be forced to eat egg salad because Olivia thought it was really funny to actually jump on me as a wake up call. I however, didn't find the humor in it.

I think the world would be a better place if we could all just wake up naturally and let our days begin naturally. We would be so much happier. I would really like it.

Safety Glasses

I have to wear safety glasses while I am walking throughout the shop floor where I work. I recently made fun of a co-worker of mine for having the "nerdy" safety glasses. His are the kind that fit over glasses if you have any and if you don't they are just big and funny. The ones I wear are sleeker and fit my face better. But then after having a good laugh at his loser glasses, I thought to myself, Aren't all safety glasses pretty lame? I mean, there are different styles, but safety glasses are safety glasses: lame-o-rama. Anything safety is pretty dorky. It's a lot cooler to live on the edge and take risks. Dorks wear pocket protectors and safety glasses and knee pads and shin guards. I do however envy those cool enough to pull off safety as "cool". Cause its beneficial to themselves and they are cool. What a world!

Nickelback

Wait, I don't get it.

Are they serious? Do people actually like this band? I mean ok not everyone likes the same music. But Nickelback? I really think they are just kidding when it comes to music. I think right after I finish this blog I am going to search Nickelback in my facebook friends and defriend anyone that I am friends with that has them under favorite music. Unless its a joke because I have been very tempted at times to write: NICKELBACK ONLY!!!!! in my profile for some good laughs. But come on, people actually like this stuff? I'm confused.

Egg Salad

WHO NEEDS IT!
Lets get hard boil eggs, moosh the crap out of them, add mayonnaise and more sick shit and call it a salad. GOOD IDEA! sike

I recently came across the disgustingness of egg salad
at a meeting that provided "lunch". For trying out new
things, I decided to not eat meat for a summer. So far,
my life has been pretty fine and normal. I often dream
about chicken wings and their magical wonders, but
besides that, I've been holding pretty strong. Until
yesterday...

Yesterday was one of the first times I swore at my
nonmeat eating habits. Why? Because these were
my options: turkey wrap, roast beef wrap,
chicken salad, or EGG SALAD. What was
I thinking when I grabbed that dreaded egg salad,
I cannot recall, but it had become a disaster. 

It didn't look that bad, I thought to myself. Who was I kidding? It's EGG SALAD.
There was a reason why I lived 21 years of my life without trying it. I knew there was, but in my 2
seconds I had up at the table making my decision of sticking with my vegetarian goals, I chose that 
horrible egg salad wrap.

The First Bite: EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. just swallow and dont puke just swallow and dont puke just swallow and dont puke

The Swallow: OHHHMEEEGOOOOOSHUUUUUGHHHHHHHski If I puke, it will be the most disgusting yarf a person could puke.

There are things such as alright puke and bad puke.
Alright Puke - doritos, marshmallows, shamrock shakes
Bad Puke - pulled pork, refried bean burrito
Unimaginable-disgusting-hope-i-never-have-to-puke Puke - egg salad.

What if I puke and it gets in my nose, but its too far back that i cant blow it out so I will have to live
with the smell until it goes awaynaturally? I would rather be skinned alive. I believe egg salad was
first created as a method of torture and some sick freak jokinglyestablished it as a "food" and...actually
I have no idea how it is still around today. Its horrible. I hate it. I wish it was never created.I wish I
lived my whole life without ever trying it. I don't understand people that will comment to this and say
EGG SALAD IS GOOD!How can you possibly think its bad? If you feel like commenting that I would
prefer you just go to hell or at least another planetcause you're not human. I wouldn't feed my dog that.
I wouldn't feed my neighbors dog that! The only way I would feed that pieceof junk to someone is if my
job title was Cruel and Unusual Torturer. ew the thought of it makes me want to DIE. I hate everything
about egg salad and I hope it becomes extinct.

warts

Not only are warts really really gross, but I think its one of the grossest words ever. So good job to whomever gave a wart its name.

(I will save my blogging fans from having to look at a picture of my topic)

Hot Sauce

I never ate hot sauce before I was 21 years old. I was never interested. For some reason, I tried it this year. Now, I feel like I can put it on anything. I have a hot sauce and humus wrap every day. When I was out at the Pita Pit, I ordered hot sauce, humus, spinach, and feta cheese. I got weird looks and my friends told me I was really gross, but I often wish I was back at that Pit because it was very delicious. I recently realized how much I liked hot sauce when I made some eggs and put it on that. I think its normal, but for someone that never used it before this year, I think I'm overdoing it. I really like it hot.

Sour Patch Connectors

Sour Patch Connectors are an amazing candy. They come in so many flavors such as: Bubble Gum, Cotton Candy, Blue Raspberry, Tangerine, Strawberry Cream, and more! They are shaped similar to a horse shoe so you "connect" different flavors together! You can twist and connect more than 28 flavor combos! You can make it sweet AND sour, double sweet, or extra sour! The options are limitless!

The Beginning: I first came across this beautifully tasting goodness at the movie theater. I rarely ever buy candy, but fate pulled me over to the counter. "What are connectors?" my friend and I questioned. "They look amazing", we thought. So we purchased what we later realized was the best thing that ever happened to us: The discovery of Sour Patch Connectors. My life has been changed ever since.

The downside: Sour Patch Connectors are very rare in this world. The ratio of connector to store that sells candy is about 1:56. After putting lots of thought into it, I look at it as a good thing. If they weren't so rare, maybe I wouldn't appreciate them as much. When I do finally stumble upon a bag of them, it then leads me to the question of when is it reasonable to eat it? You can't just eat it any time you want because they are too important. One needs to wait until its the perfect moment to consume such a glorious wonder.

The OTHER downside: Cotton Candy is my favorite flavor. It's so delicious! In my findings, I have realized that besides Connectors being rare in general, the cotton candy flavor is the rarest of them all! In a typical box you will find about 35 connectors. On average, 5 are tangerine, 5 are lemon, 5 are cherry, 3 are blue raspberry, 4 are strawberry cream, 6 are tropical punch, 5 are bubble gum, 2 are cotton candy.

Conclusion: They are basically a huge deal and the best thing that ever happened to me.

Recommendation: I know after reading this blog your first thought may be, "I need to try these!!1!", but please be aware, once you try them, you will be hooked. They are so rare, it might not be worth trying this amazing glorious wonder because then, you too, will end up like me and be a slave to the Connectors, living your life each day hoping that today could be the day you strike it big at the grocery store. Is it worth it? For me, it is. You need to ask yourself if you are prepared for this new lifestyle. Good luck in the decision process.

meetings

I feel there is no need to hold meetings at work. Everything can be done via internet. How come every time i suggest a chat room instead of meeting in an actual room I get weird looks/laughs? It's more efficient. Unless it's something major to discuss, why is it so uncalled for to meet in a chatroom?

cell phones

I think people should try to limit their use of the cell phone when they are out with other people.
I think people should try to limit their use of the cell phone when they are in the car with other people.
I think people should try to check their voicemails in a timely manner even though its annoying to do so.
I think texting is beneficial.
I think T9Word is efficient and if you say you are against it but you are really only against it because you don't know how to use it you should learn how to use it.
I am confused how I lived my life before I had a cell phone.
This bothers me.
I am not concerned about a cell phone giving me cancer.
I hate when cell phones heat up after a long chat.
I like getting new ring tones yet I always have my phone on vibrate.
I wonder when home phones will no longer exist.
I always want to save my phone's contact list in case I lose/get stolen/break my cell phone, but I never will.
I thought the mini cell phone in Zoolander was really really funny.
At first, I thought camera phones were overdoing it, but I really appreciate my camera and have printed pics that came out very nicely.
Now, I want to get the Iphone, but its not verizon.
I do not understand why everyone doesn't have verizon. ITS THE BEST..right?
I tend to think people with the pink razors are bitches, but I know really nice people with them, but I can't not think that even though I have proof its not true.
Are extended batteries nerdy?
I really like my LG.
Don't carry a cell phone in your back pocket if you are prone to falling down stairs.
What is more important small length or small width? It seems that width is a big deal but I think a small length would be cute.
I think its gross when I see kids under the age of 15 with a cell phone, but I guess its becoming normal?
I used my EZ Tip Calculator and got made fun of.
I think checking email on cell phones is overkill. Are you really that important?
I like when phones ring in class.
One time I had a teacher that answered the phone.
As long as people follow cell phone etiquette, I look forward to seeing the future of them.