Raisins

Who would ever think to eat them? Grapes...ok they are real good. So juicy, so nice. But if I had a nice grape and then watched it shrivel up over the days/weeks, I would not be interested in eating it. I would be really grossed out actually. Never would it cross my mind to eat that wrinkly little wonder because I thought that maybe it would taste good. So whoever discovered raisins is interesting and I wish I could meet him. Do not think I am being rude by saying him even though I am not sure who discovered them because, lets face it, a guy discovered raisins. I would bet a lot of money. Men are better at discovering things than women. I bet that is a fact. Women are too scared and not daring enough to eat such a little shriveled thing.
I am really unsure about how I feel about raisins. I like them, but if I never ate one again, I would not be upset. Things like chocolate, I would die if I was told I could never eat it again. That is why I am scared of becoming allergic to things. I am currently not allergic to anything. I would die if I was allergic to cats, chocolate, and grapes. I say grapes mostly because I am obsessed with wine, not because I need raisins in my life. Ok, so that is a little confusing, so I will summarize this paragraph. I do not need to eat raisins ever again but I would die if I was allergic to grapes because I am an active wine drinker.
I do not drink real deal wine, just Franzia Refreshing White. So refreshing. So white. So cheap. Such lovely feelings.
Cookies with raisins are such a disappointment if you are unsure if its a chocolate chip or a raisin. It is sad to be a raisin because the chocolate chip always wins. On a cookie. In trail mix. Always gone before the lonely less popular raisin. At least cinnamon friended the raisin to make it not completely hated. If you were to think of them as people: Chocolate chips would belong to the cool club. Cinnamon would be the class president that likes everyone that helped raisins, the struggling loser trying to fit in, become apart of the social yet not completely cool club. For example, raisins would be the girl that although she is not the most attractive, she has a pretty good personality so you still give her a chance. Just like she would push her personality for acceptance, raisins push being healthy to get people to choose them over the chip.
In conclusion, raisins are weird. I once came across the tiniest grape that nature could produce. So cute and tiny to the point where I could not eat him. So cute that he became a him instead of an it. So cute that I named him Melvin. So Melvin became a household wonder. We adopted him when we first moved to my current house and it is there that he still resides. He has aged into a lovely raisin and we plan on daring someone to eat him. But, at the same time, he has grown on me and I do not want to see him eaten.

Corn Dogs

These things are weird. They make me very skeptical. These days, I am taking over the role of a vegetarian so I will not eat them. I have never had a corn dog. Never in my life. I think they are weird. But I also think that I would like them. I feel that a lot of people are anti corn dogs. But why? They are so handy. They are on a stick!
I feel they are shunned upon because they promote white trash. They save the need to buy a bun. So that's nice.
I tried morning star vegetarian corn dogs. I liked them. I will be purchasing them again. I am not ashamed.
Is corn bread the bread they use on corn dogs?
Maybe it's the name that scares anti corn doggers away. It's a gross name. I think we should change the name to Weiner Sticks.
They also have mini corn dogs. How cute.
Everything mini is cuter. Cuter but not by any means better. Examples:
An ipod mini is cute, but obvi an 80 Gig is better.
Those mini pop cans are cute, but you look like a creep drinking them.
Mini plane food is cute and better cause its just really neat. I got a miniature Sprite when I went to France. Now you are thinking a can cut in half like the ones I just referred to. BUT that is not what I am referring to. It was exact proportioned can to the original only 3 times smaller! How cute! So obviously I did not drink it. I put it in my cute mini fridge that I had in France. There it sat for 5.5 weeks. I saved it. Tempted to make a mixed drink with it, I held back. I knew, it was worth saving it. Too cute. TOo CuTe.
Plane ride home. They gave me miniature bottles of wine. Yessss. Then...ZomgZzZ! I left my minipop in the minifridge. MiNi FrEaK Out. I saved and saved and prevailed yet, my stupid brain forgot about it when it came time to packing. What a stupid day. But then it came to me. I do not need a perfectly proportioned mini can of pop to make me happy. Happiness is better when shared and I was not planning on sharing that minipop with anyone.

Creed vs. Nickelback

Is there a difference? If you know the difference, did you seriously spend the time to distinguish between the two? Can one say I like Creed but not Nickelback? They have to be the same band because they both must realize that they singlehandedly destroyed the definition of music. I would rather listen to someone barfing. I listen to a variety of music. Some of it is considered real good. Some of it is considered real bad. But all of it sounds better than someone yarfing.

True Story: I was youtubin' it the other evening and I wanted to see an actual music video of this horrible Nickelback that people speak of. It was then that I became extremely depressed. There I was watching a Nickelback video realizing I knew most of the words. "How could this be?" I thought to myself.

It was then that I realized the devil is Nickelback. How else could those horrible lyrics be trapped into my brain? It made me sick. Made me almost barf. That would have been better though because then I would not have to listen to that horrible devil music.

That must be the difference between Nickelback and Creed. I am happy to say that I do not know any Creed lyrics. Therefore, Creed is just really disgustingly horrible and Nickelback is actually the devil.

Nintendo

Love it. Live it. Like it. Play it. Game it. I love playing nintendo. The best days I have lived are the ones where I play nintendo all day long. Maybe eat. Mostly just game. I swear a lot more when I play nintendo. I get so upset with the world when I lose a life. It sucks! Playing nintendo might stress me out more than real life stress. I get really nervous for every castle that I enter. My heart beats. My palms get sweaty. I need to defeat the castle. I must. F*ck. I just got little. F*ck the world. My life sucks. The world is a vampire. I hate the world. OMG ZOMG. A mushroom! The magic shroom! I'm big again. My life makes sense once again. (wipes palms and takes a deep breath). Search for fire power. That is my mind about every few minutes.
Some of the biggest fights I have ever gotten into with my sister have been from nintendo. "Go get the key!" "Where?!" "No!!! You passed it! Why would you do that?" "I didn't know!" "You're so bad, I knew I should have done one player" or she would pause it on me when I am in midair to me screw up so it would be her turn or she would always take all the mushroom houses. I am pretty sure we did not speak to each other for two days when we had our hugest nintendo blow out.
I also like games with guns. I love cyber killing. I am against real world killing. Racing is always classic fun. Mario kart <3.
In conclusion, nintendo makes the world a better place. I <3 techonology. I will never be one of those mothers that tells my children to get off nintendo and go outside because if you get real good, you can compete and make a lot of money. And I will be killing their brains out in 007 right along with them. I'll be the cool mom.

"Gamers never say die"

Karaoke

Karaoke is its own cock block. Does anyone look good actually doing it? I guess if a girl goes for super funny and you somehow manage to pull off funny and not absolutely ridiculous, you might have a chance of getting away with it. But chances are, she will stop being interested.
What pulls me towards that counter to sing a Jackson 5 hit, I'm not sure. I say to myself, "You will make a fool of yourself. You really should not sign up for anything. Just stay in the crowd. Don't be weird. Don't be weird. Don't do it." But my fingers do not listen to my brain and on they go writing down the number to I Want You Back.
Friends always support their friends to sing.
Friends are jerks.
They should be saying, "You will look so stupid and its a really bad idea to get up on stage." BUT Noooooooo. Friends say, "SING! ALONE! It will be awesome!"
I guess karaoke would not be a cock block if you sang, "put it in my mouth" by Akinyele. I would guess free drinks the rest of the night. You whore.
I think karaoke is a good time. You cannot do it sober unless you are one of those high on life weirdos. Or unless you get up there and hold the mic and do not move and everyone thinks you are real weird.
The regulars at karaoke are funny because they have "their song."
I think karaoke is spelled in such a dumb way.
This is worth going to
I'm really attracted to any man that sings any Creed song and does not look at the screen.

Cracklin' Oat Bran

The name is misleading. Cracklin' makes me skeptical. (mostly due to the lack of a "g") Oat makes me think meh. And bran makes me think I need to be over the age of 65 to eat it. Yet, its the best cereal ever. Looks like dog food. Tastes like glorious pieces of heaven. The cereal is made of oat bran flavored with cinnamon and nutmeg, and held together by brown sugar in the form of a Squared O. I used to eat it as a child. I do not purchase it often because the box is so small and its still so expensive. But its soooo good. But sometimes I just buy it because its very necessary. It's good with milk. It's good without milk. I'm happy its here. I think maybe they made it such a weird name to keep this magical wonder a secret. But I'm unleashing the secret and letting you know that it's good. It's really really good.

Bitches

I hate them! Why are they alive? I think they are mean people. Not mean people that "upper deck" everyone's house that they go to, but mean in a much more devilish way. Why? I'm not sure. I think they hate life and want to make sure everyone knows it. It's funny to be a bitch if you're a nice person. I had a problem with this. I used to be nice. I used to be a real nice young little girl. But then, I started being bitchy as a joke. Oh it was very funny. Everyone couldn't believe nice little girl was being super bitchfest. But then, I grew fond of this bitchy attitude. I do not know what attracted me to adopt this new lifestyle but with every bitch comment that came out of my mouth, I was enjoying it more and more. I still do not like bitches. I am on my way back to being nice. It's kinda tough.

I also believe that bitches date really nice men and it confuses me a lot.

I also think that it's funny to say "Bitch, please!" (but it has to be said like, "BiTCH, PLEEEEEEEEEEZ"

I used to think it was funny to say "Betch" at the time when I also thought OMG Shoes was funny.

Sometimes its funny to say "Besh" but you have to use it VERY sparingly to pull it off. And you have to be nice.

Bitch glares scare me.

I have mastered the Bitch Glare. I have only given it several times. If I give it to you and do not smile afterwards, I would be scared. But then not really because I do not go any further than the bitch glare. Whats next? Bitch glare leads to bitch fight? I choose walking away and making fun of her outfit.

I think bitches are annoying.

This is what I classify a bitch as:

• pink phone


• fake tan


• fake hair


• pointy bitch shoes


• too much attitude


• often found at malls


• often also a slut


• often calls other girls sluts


• wore a tiara on her 16th and 21st birthday


• squeal scream


• often has a permanent mean face on


• says "like" more than anything


• nice to your face, makes fun of you behind your back


• death glare rays


• still calls her father "daddy"


• a huge jerk


• ODs on text messaging


• bitch eye liner


• does not drink beer


• makes the grossed out face at fat people


• complains like no other


• thinks the world revolves around her


• puppy dog eyes her father


• prefers being called princess


• never kills a spider

"Bitches get stitches."

Don't be a bitch.

YouTube

This could be the best thing that happened to me since nintendo. I reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally like youtube. This is what I like about it:

• how it has the ability to make anyone famous:
  
  
• how if you are caught doing something dumb, than you will regret it 100 times more:
  
• unlimited videos of fat people falling:
  
• step-by-step video of how to do that soulja boy dance:
• 
  
• spices up people's comments on myspace:
  
  
• 
  
• reminisce about oldie but goodies:
  
  
• 
  
• and for this:
  
• and to catch awesomely horrible people being awesomely horrible:
  
• 
  
  
• and more fat fallers:
  
  

Abercrombie & Fitch

So I just made a side note in one of my recent blogs about this store, but now I feel it deserves its own blog. This is a store for 7th grade brats and jerks. You are in 7th grade. It's cool to wear expensive things. You are a brat/jerk, so you have your parents buy you these dumb clothes with Abercrombie across the chest. Ok, I can handle that. It might be cool in 7th grade. Now, I am older and I do not understand why people still wear these things. Have you ever been in the store? It's so uncomfortable. It's so loud. And its filled with cocky a-holes.
I did shop there before in my life. I wish I did not. But, we all make mistakes. So every time I was in there, they never asked me to work there. They always ask attractive people to work there. Abercrombie people think I'm ugly. It's also a bad store for that reason because if I see a nonattractive worker, instead of me thinking he is a normal person, I question how he got the job because his face is pretty rank.
Rumor has it that the unattractive A&F workers work after hours resetting up the clothes for the next day. If you are reading this blog and realize that you work at A&F and you only work when the store is closed. Sorry, you're ugly.
Boys that wear Abercrombie after the age of 20 are a part of a fraternity.
Boys that wear Abercrombie after the age of 20 and are not a part of a fraternity, act like the type of man that is in a fraternity, meaning cocky-a-hole-jerk-i-hate-you-dick-face-y-do-u-gel-your-hair-and-still-pop-your-collar type of men.
What is so intriguing about a shirt that says Abercrombie across your chest? I would much rather prefer a shirt that says "look, but don't touch."
I actually saw a girl wearing that. She had major boobs and I wish she didn't because that would be funnier.
I also saw the fattest man ever have a shirt that said, "I beat anorexia." I laughed. Then I saw it again and thought, "That was only funny the first time."
I like when ugly people wear shirts that say, "I think therefore I'm single" Because I want to tell them, "No, I'm pretty sure you're single due to the rankness all over your face and body."
Moving on. This is what I now question. So I get clothes for Christmas from my mother that I am not too fond of. But some are nice but not amazing. I don't like returning so sometimes I end up wearing something that I do not completely agree with. So, my sister is like me. Shes not into the whole Abercrombie market. But my mother does not know this. Shes just a nice little mom. So she bought us sweatshirts that say Abercrombie on the front for Christmas last year. It was a nice thought but I just was not into it. I exchanged mine for some extremely overpriced jeans. My sister, although did not really like it, thought it was comfy so she kept it.
So basically what I'm saying is this: Maybe you shouldn't reject a person right away due to one thing. Let's start giving people second chances because who knows if thats the real them! Let's be proactive about wanting to get deeper inside the person and find out who they truly are. Get past that stupid Abercrombie shirt and find what's in his heart.

I'm just kidding. I mean sometimes it might be a fluke that that Abercrombie wearing person isn't a dumb dick, but thats one in a trazillion.

Letter to Dentists

Dear Dentists,

Why do you only ask me questions when you hands are all over my mouth? Are you trying to make the worst possible noise when you scrape my teeth with that horrible death tool? Please do not be offended when I end up punching you in the face one day because when you scrape my teeth, my entire body clenches up and I want to die. I think a punch in your face would make it a lot better. It's not that I hate the person you are, but it is. And if my body is clenched and you are asking me a question when it is very clear that I am not able to respond, I will punch you.

Sincerely,

JME

PS I noticed you recently changed your gloves from regular latex to grape flavored. I'm not sure how I feel about this.

Furry Hoods

I would like to begin saying I am completely against wearing any real fur.
My initial feelings when I first saw fur on hoods were hmmmm ok. I did not partake in the purchasing of a furry hood because I just wasn't sure about it. Several years later, I realized I was ready for a plaid coat. So my hunt for the plaid coat of my dreams was on. There it was! Delias! What a stinkin cute plaid coat. Light blue, and off white and brown. PERFECT! It had fur on the hood, but I did not care. Too cutesy to pass up. OMG they only have XL and XS. OMG I am neither one of those sizes. OMG. I had 20 dollars off and it could not have been more perfect, so of course the coat of my dreams was not in my size.
Two weeks later...
There I was back at the mall with Christmas presents as my main intention. Although my mother and father do not need anything from Delias, I thought, why not go in and look. OMG there is one coat of my dreams left. Dont get too excited, it's probably not your size, I thought OMG my size. OMG.
So I finally had a coat with fur. I enjoyed it. A little extra coverage and its nice and soft. I feel that I am not for or against fur on hoods. If it's on a coat I like, sure, if not I'm ok with that too. But boys? That is iffy. To this day I am still not sure about boys wearing fur on hoods. I have several friends that wear fur on hoods and I am quite proud of them for being able to pull it off very well. But there are also very many men in my life that I hope never try to wear fur in the hoods because I believe they just cannot handle it.

Please note that I am pretty sure fur inside the entire hood is unacceptable for men of all ages but I am always willing for someone to prove me wrong. This is very rare to happen.
Also note that I am against any full furred hoods from Abercrombie and Hollister because I am against Abercrombie and Hollister. To tell you how shallow I actually am, if the future man of my dreams that was so perfect for me came up to me for the first time wearing a shirt that said Abercrombie across his chest, I would probably not give him a second thought. Thats sad. Sad but true. I just do not get it. You just paid $60 for a stupid shirt that says Abercrombie. You are dumb. I do not like you.
Ok I have one friend that wears clothes like that, but I tell him all the time he is weird and I'm not sure why we are friends.

The Laugh Response

I do not know if I have bad hearing or if I am just prone to meeting mumblers, but whatever it is I can never hear what people are saying. I can hear what my friends are saying. Maybe once I become friends with someone they get louder. Anyways, when I first meet people its automatically awkward because that is my lifestyle. So when I meet someone and they say things and I cannot hear what they are saying, I either say what about a million times or give the laugh response. I choose the laugh response 9 times out of 10. If I truly am concerned with what you actually said I will possibly say what but for some reason I get awkward and can't manage to say what or just don't care so I laugh and hope that what they said was funny. I do usually start out saying what but I'm not going to say it every ten seconds so I just pretend to hear you. This is really stupid of me yet I do it all the time. I am mentioning this because I was recently caught. This new man that I met asked me a question. All I heard what "so youdsgjkhhsdglsgkjs" so I responded, "hehahehheh" Then he said "what?" because he asked me a question. I guess that is better than if he said, "My grandma and cat died today" because then I would just look like an ass. In this situation I just looked like a superfreak and I probably will not be talking to this man any time soon.
In conclusion, please speak more clearly and if you are not good at doing so, please understand that I will not always say what, I will have no idea what you are saying to me, and I'm not a superfreak when I laugh at your questions.

Getting Wasted

I'm for it. It's fun. I wish I did not like it so much. I usually have a handful of regrets for the nights when I'm at my prime waste case.
Getting wasted is funny because it has so many funny sayings to go along with it. Such as:

• You saucin' tonight?
• Lets pound some.
• You wanna get slam jammered?
• I was so hammered.
• Lets get sloppy.
• Drink the sweet nectar of the gods
  
• What a sh*tshow.
• Let's get retarded in here.
• Get f*cked up.
• I'm tipsy
  
• Lets drink an assortment of cocktails till we get real loosey goosey.
• 18 to get busy, 21 to get dizzy
• Get stupid.
• under the influence
• messed up
• YOURE INTOXICATED
  

The thing is, they are all pretty funny to say. Please note that if you say any of these and are fir realz about it, you're weird. I mean maybe you can pull off a few. But never say sauced and mean it. That is my problem in life. I think its weird to say sauced. I think its really lame. So I say it. I think its funny to say. Then I meet new people. I do not realize that these new people do not know that I am not fir real and then the new people run away. Whatevs.
Anyways I really like to drink lots of cocktails in a row.
I do not like when people are so drunk that their eyes are all over the place.
I never want to be too old to drink Sparks.
I do not find it funny to get an animal drunk, however, if the animal is drunk naturally by a fermented pumpkin for instance, I will laugh.
I hate being on the bus and hearing other peoples drunk stories.
I hate it more if its a freshman saying it.
I hate it more that I am that person sometimes.
Think of how awkward life would be without booze. I wouldn't be able to socialize with anyone! jk lol.
I only don't drink beer because the ratio of drunkness to how often I have to pee is too far off.
I only order vodka tonic because I do not know what else to get.
Shots cause weird faces and can't be done in public.
I know I am drunk when the shot I took was easy or if I become a hugger.
Overall, its a nice time till you make yourself look like a fool.

Bad Breath

Ew. Cant stand it. Ok. We all have it sometimes. But when I have it, I either a. brush my teeth b. chew gum c. dont talk to people unless I'm at least 5 feet away. Why do I do this? Out of respect. I'm pretty sure you can always tell when you have bad breath, so take out a piece of orbit and chew you dumb fool.
Scenario: We are talking and I pull out a piece of gum and offer it to you. TAKE IT. Maybe I'm doing it to be nice and offer a friendly piece. OR maybe it's a nice hint that your breath is rank. Either way, take the stupid piece of gum.
If we are talking and I act uninterested its either because a. you're really boring. b. you're dumb c. i hate you d. you have bad breath and I really can't stand being near you.
The worse is when a bad breather is into whispers. EW PLEASE DONT GET CLOSE TO ME.
If you notice I am holding my breath every time you inch closer to me, realize your breath is unbearable.
Take a hint and brush your teeth sometime.

The Eye F*ck

I got this term from the movie Wedding Crashers. Did I like that movie? No, not really. I mean, it has some sort of maybe but not really potential but it was long as f*ck and I think that ruined it completely. But what I did get out of this little movie was the term "eye f*ck."
It's funny to say. It's funny to do. It's funny to have done to you. It's funny.
Eye Effing can be very creepy when done incorrectly. I am very good at doing this incorrectly. Never have I successfully eye boned a hottie. Have I tried? Of course. I think it has worked toward my disadvantage. I believe they think "ew, who is that creepy creepster glaring weirdly at me?" But in reality, I'm nice. Not creepy.

I am pretty sure no one has ever realized that I attempted the eye f*ck.

Oh well.

Dick Quiz

There are a lot of dicks in the world. You may be one right now and not even know it. Here is a quiz to see if you are classified as a dick:

1. Do you only like a girl of she if considered hot?
2. Do you search "fat girl fall" on youtube?
3. Do you keep a list of girls you have boned and rate them?
4. Do you "forget" hanging out with someone that you do not want to hang out with?
5. Do you lead girls on and do it until they accidentally find out about the other girls?
6. Do you pop your collar and/or gel your hair?
7. Do you laugh at ugly people?
8. Have you been quoted saying, "I'm not cocky, just confident"?
9. Are you a male?
10. Are you in a fraternity?
11. Do you pretend to be compassionate when you made a girl cry, but then laugh about it to your friends?
12. Do you enjoy watching Bum Fights?
13. Do you text message breakup?
14. Do you have a "Support Strippers" bumper sticker on your car?
15. When lying in bed, do you fart and shove the girls face under the covers?
16. Are you selfish?
17. Have you cheated more than once?
18. Do you have a restraining order against you?
19. Do you luv 'em 'n' leave 'em?
20. Has a girl ever stabbed you with a fork?
21. Have you ever pushed a lady over the age of 60 when in a hurry?
22. Have you been called a dick?
23. Have you ever said "bitch, please" and meant it?
24. Do you own a hummer?
25. When at the gym, do you spend more than 30% of the time looking in the mirror?
26. Did you vote for Bush?
27. Do you enjoy listening to Nickelback not as a joke?
28. Do your dress shirts have a logo under the collar?
29. Are you shirtless in your facebook/myspace picture?
30. Do you have a Young Jeezy ringtone?


If you said yes to any of these, CONGRATS you're a dick!

Runny Noses

I don't like being around people when they have a runny nose. If you are my friend and you have a cold, do not get mad at me when I don't like you for a few days. I just really do not like listening to you sniffle your snot back in your nose. It really makes my stomach hurt and I get a bad feeling all over my body. I, too, get colds, but I am referring to when other people get colds and not myself.
When I am taking a test and you are sitting next to me with the nastiest case of the sniffles: I hate you.
When I meet you and you shake my hand and I know you have a cold: I hate you.
When I meet you and you shake my hand and I don't know you have a cold but find out later that you do: I hate you more. I hate you more because if I know you have a cold and I shake your hand, I am able to just give you the tips of my fingers and make it last .5 seconds. But if you trick me and I see you blowing your nose all over the place later and I gave you a real deal handshake: F*ck you. Who shakes hands when they are sick? Dont.
I have not been to church in quite some time, but when I did and it was time for the "Peace be with you" handshake, I specifically avoided people with colds. I would do an extra long one with the healthy ones and avoid all eye contact with anyone that had anything resembling a cold. I felt like that was really bad of me, but I also just think that when the handshake and peace be with you part was included in the mass, people did not know much about germs. Then we learned about germs, but tradition was too important so they had to keep the handshake. I think traditions are silly so I dropped that one.
It's so gross to hear someone blow their nose. Its weird because its so gross, yet I do not leave the room when I need to blow my nose. I just let loose.
If you have a cold and use the computer in the library right before me: I hate you. I understand that you cant help it, but understand that I can't help hating you.
I think colds are a huge bummer. I hate having to think about my nose in addition to other things. I hate sleeping with a stuffy nose. Actually, I hate not sleeping due to a stuffy nose.
I do, however, enjoy taking Nyquil.

a poem

i wish i was just a little shorter
since im taller than a tree
i cannot wear any heels
no boy would talk to me

i wish i could eat ice cream all day
but our freezer is too full
i should not have it anyway
it makes my stomach roll

i wish i did not have homework
what a f*cking pain
it takes up so much precious time
but there is so little that i gain

i wish i never had to work
it makes me so f*cking tired
i hate the world when my alarm rings
thank god coffee keeps me wired

i wish i would exercise more
but its just so hard start
apparently i prefer to sit
over having a healthy heart

i wish cocky men did not exist
they make me want to die
i hate their big pecks and gelled hair
it makes me want to die

i wish that people were somewhat nicer
but they all just seem so mean
i think we should think more like hippies
and concentrate on green

i wish i would answer my cell phone more
but i just do not have a choice
i hate it so much because then i must
hear that annoying lady's voice

i wish i had some magic powers
like a genie or a witch
i would fly or be invisible
and be such a sneaky bitch

i wish that boys weren't such dicks
because they all kind of are
even when you have some hope, you'll find
he has been boning some slut from the bar

i wish i had a billion dollars
i would be everyones favorite friend
i would probably move to NYC
and start a fashion trend

i wish that everyone wouldn't smell
why dont you people shower?
at least refrain from raising arms
cause B.O. has killing power

i wish i could constantly eat candy
it just tastes so god damn good
if it didnt turn into chubby fat
i would eat it all i could

i wish for many so things
all of which wont happen
note: i hate being in public bathrooms
when someone else is crappin'

Wrestling

Ewwww. Why? I don't get it. It's gross. I think everyone that attends a wrestling match just feels really uncomfortable.
Girl wrestlers? What? Why? Congrats on doing something different, but thats kind of just weird. But I did like that one episode of Saved By The Bell when that girl wrestled. But that wasn't real life. If I had a daughter and she told me she wanted to wrestle, I would tell her that she is disgusting and needs to see a doctor. Actually, if I had a son that wanted to wrestle, I would first ask him if he was gay. If he was, I would tell him that he didn't have to wrestle just to touch other men. I am not sure how many wrestlers are in fact gay, and I actually think the number is pretty low, but I think if you were afraid of coming out of the closet you would maybe want to take it up. Wrestlers basically have sex.
If he told me he was straight I would tell him, "No you cannot wrestle, you are just going through an awkward phase and you will thank me later."
The True Life: I have an eating disorder with the wrestler was sad and made me hungry for him.
Why can you spot a wrestler so easily? Short: check. Weird sort of muscley upper bod: check.
AND CLEAN THE MATS YOU SICKOS. It is common for wrestlers to get staph infection. Gross. Really Really Grody.
I'm sure wrestlers are nice people but I am just confused where their heads at. Or maybe its their parents to blame because I know my child will never be one of them. Or maybe I should be getting on the creator of wrestling, but I'm pretty sure he created it as a joke and someone didn't get it. Sports should have balls. ONE ball. (I actually can't believe I just made that joke)
The WWF is actually entertaining to me. But please note that I am referring to high school and college style wrestling. Not entertaining professional.

Thanks

Thanksgiving time is approaching us so I thought I would list some things that I am thankful for.

seinfeld. deodorant. spray butter. elimidate. chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. fleece sheets. convenience stores. youtube. scarves. feather beds. sparks. owl jewelry. stomp the yard. cell phones. tater tots. creepy staches on small men. internet. gnomes. casual fridays. britney spears drama. topsy tails. bottled water. parks. duff's chicken wings. the sunscreen song. witnessing awkward moments. roofs. NOW thats what I call music. wet hot american summer. green. musical beats. boxed wine. health. air conditioning. sour patch kids. smart people. americas got talent. french fries. art. those cards that play music. bob saget. the onion. benjamin franklin. yearbooks. reality tv. sappy love songs. hotties. nintendo. pizza. fake meat. bad dance moves. jason schwartzman, hoodies. larry david. kittens & puppies. abbreviations. red necks. opposable thumbs. 100 calorie packs. spice girls. girl scout cookies. that skateboarding dog. flowers. wikipedia. root beer brain fart. bikes. trends of unattractive radio djs. whispering sweet nothings. pain pills. lottery tickets. barbed wire tats. blue collar comedy tour. lasers. child proteges. the office. mashed potatoes. 90s. zoo books. britas. freedom. chapstick. fast facts. the sun. hanson hype. liberals. nick names. open communication. anti-lock brakes. hypnotism. gmail. dmx. friendship. being warm. boredom. towne restaurant. urban dictionary. glasses. doctors. kimya dawson. personal ads. ipods. humus. substituting the word "boy" for "boi". technology. death metal. landmarks. acronyms. cheese. magic johnson. funny last names. mr. show. traveling. magic. indoor plumbing. nothing. soft bunnies. qwerty keyboards. zoos. guidos. guido dance moves. guido hairdos. guido gangs. guido accents. slutty halloween costume justification. tricks. thanksgiving. swedish fish. pull throughs. 4 seasons. jenny lewis. conspiracy theories. flat shoes. corn bread. calculator watches. band aids. concealer. modest mouse. candid camera. the NEXT bus. not living in dorms. sunscreen. fresh fruit. being fancy. nyquil. chocolate. christmas time. language. trash collectors. handy snacks. playboy bunny accessories. clean dishes.

Bums

I feel bad for them.
I would imagine they have really good stories to tell.
My grandma thinks that many of them are just crazy in the head and got on a bus that they did not really know where it was going and got off and were forever lost.
A bum with a guitar should be really good because he has a lot of time to practice.
People that own Bum Fights are going to hell.
A bum asked my father for money and my dad replied, "no, thank you"
I do not understand why Buffalo has bums. If you were a bum would you not make your way to somewhere warmer? Florida and California should have the highest populations of bums.
Bums wear winter jackets all year long. I think I would bury mine if I had no where to put it rather than wearing it all summer long.
If I were a younger bum, I would definitely live in a college.
If I were a bum, I would spend my days thinking of a way to become successful, do it, and then make millions just for telling my success story because its always better if you start out poor. Look at Jewel and J.K. Rowling.

Police

Police are weird. I do not understand why anyone would ever want to be one. What if you get into a huge gunfight for this one hostage and become paralyzed and then later find out the hostage is a huge dick. Who wants to save a huge dick? I see the good in being a police man, mostly from watching Superbad, Family Matters, and Garden State. These are good examples which prove to me that they too are just regular people like each and every one of us. I feel bad that I get annoyed when I see a police man though. They are just trying to save my life, but I don't like them still. I want to drive fast. I want to have wild rages in my house without worrying if the "popos" will show up. I want to drink my sparks on my way to my friends house. I want to pregame in the car trip down. I want to steal. I want to park in the fire lane. but noooooooo I can't because I do not want to pay extra money. So I live a life by the law.
I don't think the whole police and donut thing is too funny. Actually, I do not think its funny at all.
I would like to be a police person to beat people with that stick thing. I never tried to hurt someone with all my might because I am basically super strong, so I have fears that I would kill the person. But I would have a good excuse if I was a police woman.
The reason this is my latest blog topic is because I was in a little hurry this morning. But actually not really, I just like driving the speed I feel like driving. Sometimes its slow and steady and sometimes fast as f*ck. So I chose the fast choice this morning and for the first time in my life, I got pulled over. I was listening to a sad song so I was already a little on the edge, but then I got pulled over and knew it was the best time to cry ever. I let him have it. He got tears before my license, therefore I got away with a nice warning. I like taking advantage of my gender. Crying when you get pulled over is one way to do it. A few more ways to take advantage of being a girl are 1. you can be a ditz just to get away with things. 2. free drinks 3. carry less 4. wear makeup to cover imperfections 5. get out of anything due to cramps 6. blame any freak out on pms 7. listen to kelly clarkson guilt free.

Combos

I recently just tried this little combo and loved every second of it: sparks + vodka + champagne.
My initial reaction was THATS AMAZING and I was correct. But then everyone I told this combo to made a gross face and told me im sick. Regardless of what others told me, I tried the interesting combo and there was no surprise. It was awesome. The most awesome thing about this combo was that you get wasted in no time. No longer will one need to suffer through a painful shot or a sick strong mixed drink just to feel the effects of alcohol. Just make this nice combo, enjoy, and you will be sh*tfaced in no time.
Another combo that I just made up, but I am not taking credit for because I feel like its been done many times before but I just made up is: pancake batter + scrambled egg liquid = !!!
I love pancakes. I love eggs. I always eat them together anyways, so why not just make it together. Take the scrambled egg liquid and pour it in the pancake batter and make one cute little delish egg pancake. Ketchup or Syrup...its up to you! I was also thinking about putting sauage chunks in it. I have not done this yet, but I think it would do nothing but make it more awesome.
I also like the combination of Kid Rock +Sheryl Crow, Slim Shady +Elton John, Brit + Kev, purple +yellow, summer + popsicles, tall + dark + handsome, cheese + anything, chocolate + mint, chocolate + peanut butter, scarves + winter, milk + oreos, vodka + tonic, dolce + gabbana, ryan sechrist + am. idol, noodles + butter, myspace + stalking, and chips + dip.
I would like to see the combo of Sisqo + Leeann Womack.

Kid Rock

...is awesome.

txt

sexC btch. l8r g8r. wot R U EtN 4 dinr? kewl. ttyl. Phat Nassy MoFo. scuba. asl. xlnt. ttfn. bffae. gr8. lylasf. b4. bbl. bbialw. tbaaald. nbd. brb. btdt. cya. diku?. html. diy. faq. we. fcol. fyi. g2g. bibiqtpi. itigtbs. gl. nifoc. xing. laser. rofl. oic. ne1. lol. fol. luwamh. plz. hiv. ppl. igp. s^. sos. h&k. tgif. cd. jk. sn. aol. tm. nasa. stfu. usa. y2k. udmn2m. kfc. interpol. esw. BYOB. hshintmhm. jlo. ge. lmbo. xtc. 4eva. ImA*VinRtst. XmeQK. myob. rnr. sbd. omg. nato. foti.

sexy bitch. later gator. what are you eating for dinner? cool. talk to you later. phat nassy mofo. self-contained underwater breathing apparatus. age/sex/location. excellent. ta ta for now. best friends forever and ever. great. love ya like a sister forever. before. be back later. be back in a little while. to be announced at a later date. no big deal. be right back. been there, done that. see ya. do I know you? hypertext markup language. do it yourself. frequently asked questions. whatever. for crying out loud. for your information. got to go. bye bye cutie pie. I think I'm going to be sick. good luck. naked in front of the computer. crossing. light amplification by stimulated emission of radiation. rolling on the floor laughing. oh i see. anyone. laugh out loud. fart out loud. love you with all my heart. please. human immunodeficiency virus. people. i gotta pee. sup. save our ship. hugs and kisses. thank god its friday. compact disc. just kidding. screen name. america online. text message. national aeronautics and space administration. shut the &^%$ up. united states of america. year 2000. you don't mean nuttin to me. kentucky friend chicken. international criminal police organization. engineers for a sustainable world. bring your own beer. he's so hot i need to make him mine. jennifer lopez. general electric. laughing my butt off. ecstacy. forever. I'm a starving artist. kiss me quick. mind your own business. rest and relaxtion. silent but deadly. oh my gawd. north atlantic treaty organization. fart on the inside.

Sleep

BEST THING EVER. One time, in a get-to-know-each-other group activity, we had to say our name and one thing about ourselves.
Hi, my name is Jamie and my favorite thing to do is sleep.
I pondered my response for quite some time. Is that depressing? If that is really my favorite thing, that is kind of sad. But no, because its so amazing how can it not? I am not saying that is the only thing I ever want to do. I like doing a few other things too. But when my head hits the pillow and I know its that time again, I get real happy.
Ok, so I am sure we all know how amazing sleep is so here is my least favorite thing: when my arm falls asleep during slumber. I am awkward and sleep on my stomach. I am not sure what I will be doing when I become prego some day but I will worry about that when the time comes, but I sleep on my stomach and usually on top of my arms. I often wake up in the middle of the night and both of my arms are asleep. I honestly freak. When they are asleep I sit up super fast and flail my arms wildly around for several minutes until I regain feeling. Its probably the weirdest feeling ever. I feel like my arms are two clubs and every time I get scared they will never feel normal again. Then finally I feel all the blood surge back into my arms and soon I am fine again. I hate it though. Truly hate that feeling. What if I was on MTV's Real World and it happened? They have cameras that can see you in the dark and would be able to see me when I awake to my arms being asleep and have a total tweak attack.
It also sucks when you want to sleep in a car ride and your mouth is obsessed with being open.
I have seen people sleep with their eyes slightly opened and it is extremely creepy.

Work

I do not like work. I wish I never had to do it. Sometimes I think if I did not do it for a long enough time period that I would get sick of doing nothing and then I would want to work. But that is just silly. I could do nothing really well every day. It's not that I would do nothing, I would most likely go somewhere everyday. And I would appreciate the days I did nothing because thats very nice and relaxing. If I did not work, I would probably be a volunteer or work out a lot. Both of which are very beneficial. Or I would blog a lot. Also being very beneficial. My first job that I ever had was being a tennis instructor. It changed my life. I hated kids before that and lied to the guy that hired me and told him I loved kids and loved babysitting. Truth was that I hated all kids and babysitting was the worst times of my life. By the end of the summer, I grew fond of kids. I was 16 years old and was in charge of a million little kids between 6-18 years old. There were only 2 kids that were actually older than me and yes, it was very awkward. When I applied for the job, I thought there would be a pro tennis player actually teaching and I would just feed balls to the little stinkers and have a nice time. But the year they hired me they decided to not have a pro tennis player and have the stupid 16 year old person without any experience do the whole program. It was a free program so I guess it was not a big deal, but I felt it was a lot of responsibility. What if I did not go to work? All the kids would be dropped off by their parents and if I was not there only bad things would happen. I thought it was really weird for someone to give me that pressure.
One of the kids I had was named Jamie. I did not know if Jamie was a boy or a girl. Longer short hair, 7 years old, named Jamie. No clue. There is a game called King of the Court that we would play. If you win 2 points in a row you are the King. For the girls, I would say congrats your the queen. It was really awkward when Jamie would win. I would always say "woo congrats youre.....wooo go to the other side!" Well actually, lets back track. In the beginning, it was no question I thought Jamie was a boy. So I would originally say YAY YOURE KING! Then one day his/her grandma picked Jamie up and I could have sworn she goes "she loves playing tennis". It was then that I questioned myself. Did the grandma just say she. omg Jamie could be a boy or girls name. omg i told Jamie he/she was king. omg i f*cked the kid up. That was my thought process. But then I thought maybe I heard the grandmother wrong. Maybe she said "he". It was then that I would never say king or queen but rather wooo go to the other side. God I hated that. Note to readers: if you have a kid and decide to name your child a boy/girls name, please at least dress and make the hair give away the gender of your child. Another interesting thing is that my name is Jamie as well and I just realized that that might have happened to me as a child.
I think I just made myself depressed. Because think about it, if people question your gender: life sucks. But ok yes, its more sucky if you are an unintentional ambiguous gendered adult. Because once you are an adult, that is what you look like. All kids are kind of awkward and look funny so I guess I would not be super sad if I found out that people once questioned my gender, but that would be weird. I do not think it happened but I am just stating that my name is Jamie so its possible.
My dad wanted to name me Kelly if I was a boy. WTF? I am thankful I am a girl for 2 reasons: If I was a boy, my name would be Kelly and I have super straight hair and I think its really hard for a boy with slick straight hair to have a good hair cut. I am not saying its not possible, but rare indeed.

Then I was a banquet server. As a banquet server, I mainly just served at wedding receptions. I heard the cheesiest music every Friday and Saturday night. I feared dropping trays every second. I saw too many old drunk people dance worse than I can describe. One DJ told me that my white gloves turned him on. He was over 60. I said thank you.
I also would laugh to myself at how much higher my voice would get when I spoke to these people. I would say "Would you like more coffee, sir?" in the highest voice ever. I would not even try. I just automatically comes out.

Those were the first 2 jobs of my life and this blog is rather lengthy so I need to wrap it up. In conclusion, working bites and I am not for it. The super annoying thing about it all is that I like money.

Cheerleading

I am not for it. Too much pep. I understand people "think" its a sport, but it is not. Yes, congratulations, you compete, but I believe it is too annoying to consider a sport. I do not feel one's facial expressions should be considered in a sport. In fact, the more disgusting one can produce his/her face to be, the more respect I have for that sport. I enjoy looking at the sports page in the local newspaper to see the high schoolers faces. They are usually really embarrassing. I have been fortunate enough to have the absolute sickest face action shots in tennis printed in our newspaper which then was pasted on my high schools bulletin board to make sure everyone saw the sickness. A cheerleader has to constantly smile, so that is one reason why its not a real sport. Not only do you need to be smiling at all times, but you have to do it to the point of creepiness.
Like this:
or .
I also just do not think you can classify cheering for another sport as a sport. A sport is being played when there is a cheerleader present. The only people that classify cheerleading as a sport are cheerleaders and their parents. Not even parents, just moms. Yes, sometimes they get injured so one may think that helps make it a sport. No, they are just dumb. Or one may say but they do really good jumps and flips and twirls, but I really do not care. A sport needs a ball or something. A sport needs a sports bra. I do not consider dancing a sport either. I like dancing. It's nice to watch. It's not a sport. But cheerleading is super annoying so I wrote about that. Some of my friends were cheerleaders in their day. I am still friends with them, but only because I make myself forget they were once "one of them". Its nice to be cheered for when playing a sport. But a cheerleader probably does not know how to play the sport they are cheering for. Also a cheerleader is too busy falling from the pyramid to even watch the sport being played. How can you truly put your heart into cheering if you are not watching the game? Yes, ok, they are getting the crowd pumped up. But I get less pumped when I see a cheerleader shaking her pom poms to make me cheer louder. I do not like being forced to cheer. When something good happens I will clap. I am sorry for offending any cheerleaders. You have your opinion, I have mine.

Cheesecake

It's super good. No, its SUPER good. I really love it. I really like The Cheesecake Factory. I kind of want to always eat there. I never order dessert at a restaurant but when I go there, I feel I have to because of its name. I really like ordering dessert but I never wanted to spend more money, but that place makes you feel like its necessary because why would you go to eat at a cheesecake factory and not get cheesecake? I think the name cheesecake is super sick. Never did I want to try it because it just sounds gross. I mean, I like cheese and I like cake, but together I don't like the sound of it. Kind of like chocolate pizza. I love chocolate and I love pizza, but I don't love them together. But I am referring to if the pizza consisted of dough, sauce, cheese, and chocolate chunks. One may take the term "chocolate pizza" and think sugar cookie crust, chocolate syrup, whipped cream, and chocolate sprinkles to which I would think would be amazing, ergo I would like a chocolate pizza. But I was referring to a real pizza with chocolate on top, which would not be tasty. But cheesecake, despite its interesting name, is sensational. I love rich things. Never have I ever come across something too rich for me to handle. I like it with strawberries, oreos, chocolate peanut butter cookie dough, and I like it plain. It makes me really happy and although it could lead to a heart attack if I ate it as much as I would prefer, it makes me real nice and happy at the moment and I'm glad its around.

Types of Friends

The loud one.
The funny one.
The slutty one.
The one you dont consider a friend but more a person that's always there.
The high-fiver.
The rich one.
The mooch.
The mom.
The bitch.
The smart one.
The one that won't stop talking.
The listener.
The one that only likes talking about him/herself.
The one you say, "lets hang out" every time you run into but never really do.
The one you see is calling but never answer.
The busy one.
The one by association.
The one you want to defriend on myspace because of bulletin overload.
The drunk.
The sketchy one.
The attention seeker.
The super nice one.
The texter.
The one that always completes the night.
The side kick.
The selfish one.
The one that makes you buy them drinks.
The one that buys you drinks.
The one that is so happy that its weird to see sad.
The responsible one.
The one that is your really good friend but is in a relationship so you never hang out anymore.
The diva.
The ones you fart in front of.
The ones you don't.
The one you get deep with.
The one that is always there for you.
The quiet yet really funny one.
The one that is exactly like you.
The blunt one.
The one with benefits.
The one that you know before going out that if you go out with him/her that there will be drama by the end of the night.
The temporary one.
The ones from first grade.
The smelly one.
The one to discuss music with.
The one that really bums you out if they are not there.
The one that you always try and remember how you became friends because you are so different.
The one that always makes you really happy.
The one you know through people so you finally became friends.
The one that is always tired.
The wild one.
The one that you call when you are sad.
The one that you are only friends through myspace/facebook.
The gross one.
The Best Friend.
The hippie.
The one you use for rides/homework/drugs.
The one you never hang out with.
The one that calls just to chat.
The weird one.
The one with the good clothes.
The one you wish you weren't friends with.
The one that always eats.
The one that only calls when his/her girlfriend/boyfriend is out of town.
The caring one.
The stupid one.
The one that knows more about you than your family.

Shoes

I like them. Never have I ever considered myself to be one of those girls that die for shoes and although I still will not make a stupid squeal when I do come across a cute pair, I realized, ok yes I do like them a lot. I just realized because I noticed all the ones I own. I only wear about 3 of them. This is due to the fact that I hate blisters. They ruin my life. Every shoe I purchase I envision myself just dealing with the pain and breaking the shoes in but then when it comes time to actually do that I envision me hating my life for that night in those uncomfortable shoes and stick with my comfort zone shoes. I go from 0 to 100 on the bitch scale when a blister has formed. Its really annoying to walk with a blister. There are about a million things that could be happening worse to me at the moment I have to walk a few blocks with a blister in the most uncomfortable shoes such as being stranded on a piece of wood in the atlantic ocean surrounded by sharks with one leg bitten off but at that moment that I have to walk with that shoe and that blister, life seems to be at its max worst. (I know that is a horrible sentence and may take a few times to read before you understand how it works but I wrote it not jokingly and its so bad I had to keep it for the humor) I recently questioned would you rather have to be in the situation where you had to pee uncontrollably and were forced to hold it for 15 minutes before you reached a toilet (and there is no option of going before the 15 min) or have to walk for 15 minutes in the same shoes that caused you to have the worst blisters ever. Everyone but myself chose they would rather have to pee bad cause they hate blisters. I chose walk in the blisters because I hate needing to go to the bathroom. So basically what I just wrote earlier is contradicted and I do not know where I am going with this blog.

Honking

It's a funny reaction to see someone attractive and honk your horn.
I get pretty mad when people honk at me when I'm on my bike because I'm being legit.
I have used the honk for its actual purpose maybe twice.
I prefer honking over going out and ringing the doorbell.
I find it rude if a boy were to do that unless he used the doorbell and I told him a honk would suffice from now on.
Mitch Hedberg has a good joke on honking: I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn, because people honk the car horn too much. 3 honks, that's the limit. And then someone cuts you off, ffffft, you press your horn, nothing happens. You're like, "shit! I wish I wouldn't have seen Ricky on the sidewalk!"
I think that joke is better if you heard him say it.
What is the honky tonk? I hate every country song with that word in it. Actually I just hate every country song.
If my car honk had a cute honk to it I would use it a lot more.
If it had one of those mini little tune to it, it would be worn out by now.
I should get a bumper sticker that says Honk For Peace so then whether they were honking because I did something wrong or honking for peace, I would assume it was peace and be more at peace with myself.
I prefer the honk + middle finger. It adds a lot.
I did that once. It was necessary. Then they were next to me for several minutes. It was awkward.
Do geese honk? I think so.
I have no opinions on a clown having a red nose that is honkable.

Condiments

I think condiments are not that interesting, yet interesting enough to blog about. I just recently heard that Ketchup is considered trashy. I am not sure how I feel about that statement just yet. Let me think about it and get back to it.

I love hot sauce, as a true blogging fan of mine would already know. Mustard is sicker than severed arms covered in butter. I do however like wearing the color mustard: very fashionable. Mayo couldn’t get any ghettoer. I think its equivalent to eating lard and I think that’s gross. Egg salad has mayo in it and I think that adds to the sick nasty factor of it all. I hate seeing people put relish on things. Its so gross and why would you ever eat it? Actually, I never ate relish. I know I won’t like it, ergo I will never try it because I am mature enough to know what I like and do not like without having to try it first. Please don’t tell me that I have to try everything at least once because I don’t.

Would you consider humus a condiment?

I like vinegar on fries. It’s a good change from ketchup. I think if I could only choose ketchup or vinegar for a lifetime of fry eating I would choose ketchup, but because vinegar is rare I choose it when given the opportunity cause it’s a nice taste. I love love love ketchup on my fries though and I eat a lot of it on every fry if given the opportunity. I would approximate my ultimate ketchup to fry ratio would be one packet to 4 fries. Yes, I know that fries come in all different shapes and sizes but I am referring to the average sized fry. Waffle fries are too good. Catsup on anything but fries is rank. I do not put it on burgers or hot dogs. I don’t like ketchup bread. Its really gross.

Steak sauce? I don’t see a need for it. I actually can’t recall if I have ever tried it but steak rocks on its own so why go overboard?

Ranch dressing used to be so awesome to me. Now I look at it and get a little gross feeling in my stomach. Its just so heavy. I guess I still like it on chicken fingers but I’m a flexetarian now so I rarely come across that opportunity. Putting ranch on a salad defeats the purpose of a salad. I’m gonna eat a salad only to be healthy, so if I put ranch on the stupid salad its most likely as fattening as eating something good so obvi I’m going to pick the something good.

There are more condiments, but I would prefer to stop talking about them now. I will leave you with this discussion topic: Is maple syrup a condiment? It is in Elf but I’m not sure if I would classify it as one. And also, do you pronounce it sir-up or sere-up or use them both interchangeably?

Chunks

Chunky highlights are white trash.
I named my car Chunk.
The term "blowing chunks" is the worst way you can describe vomit.
Chunk is the best character in The Goonies, but I also am typical and have a love for Sloth.
I did not like spaghetti for 13 years because I could not find a sauce without any chunks in it.
I now buy salsa chunky style and I still do not understand how I like it.
I would like Fat Joe better if he was called Chunk Master Flex/Chunk Nasty/Chunk This Dunk.
Chunky boys are cute because they resemble a cuddly teddy bear.
Chunky shoes should never be worn.
All ice cream with the word chunk in it is amazing UNLESS its describing nuts.
There is a town called Chunky, Mississippi and I kinda want to live there.
When your hair comes out in chunks in the shower you should change your lifestyle.
Chunky Kong in Donkey Kong 64 is awesome.
When the first part of lotion to come out is a chunk, I find it gross.
Typing "chunk" in urbandictionary.com and reading every term with chunk in it will make you laugh.
Chocolate chip cookies are better when they have double chocolate chunks in them.
In the world of hard metal, guitarists may sometimes be found "chunking" out heavy, low-end riffs.
I like the word chunk.

Halloween

This is an interesting holiday. Did you know that candy at Wegmans is not most popular at Halloween time? What time is it most popular you ask? Christmas! Stalking stuffers I would assume. But I am glad I know that because if I was on a game show and my question was when do grocery stores stock up on candy the most and I 50/50ed it down to Christmas or Halloween, I think I would have said Halloween final answer. So, I consider myself lucky. How did I get this exclusive information you ask? The head of the candy department at Wegman's told me. Moving on, yeah I like halloween. It's my one chance to be a super slut and dress it too. Actually, to tell you the truth I have not really taken advantage of this holiday for that reason yet. But I am still young. Maybe if it was warmer the thought of dressing like that one day maybe would cross my mind. But I get really mean when I'm at an uncomfortable temperature and so I like to be comfortably warm. It's hard to be warm and slutty at the same time. Here are things that I have been for halloween: mermaid, witch, miss ugly america, statue of liberty, genie, native american, asian lady, old lady, bee, grapes ..but every year I went trick or treating, no matter what I was when I dressed up for school, I was a hobo at night. It was always too cold to wear my real costume, so my parents made both me and my sister pretend we were hobos. All we did was put on my dads old hunting jackets, put brown make up on our face to look dirty and tell people we were hobos. My statue of liberty costume got me in second place for best costumes of the 5th graders. Morgan won being a giant piece of cheese. It was a good costume.
Do you remember those M&Ms costumes? When my friend was in 4th grade she wore a white one and made it say Tylenol. I always thought she was really funny for that. Then the next year she was a snickers bar but she really was just a giant piece of poop.
My most recent costume was grapes. I wore all green and pinned purple balloons on myself. We went to a show (Deerhoof and Fiery Furnaces) that night then to a party. Being grapes is a bad idea when you go to shows. Being grapes is a bad idea when you have to get in a car. Being grapes is a bad idea when you want to reach your hand to your mouth to drink anything. Being grapes is a good idea when you want to bounce in peoples faces.
In conclusion, Halloween is a nice day and I hope I never have that awkward moment at work where I am unsure if they dress up or not so I do and no one else does and then I have to sit in my office with my tinkerbell costume all day.

Hair Gel

just don't do it.

Coming Soon...

water beds. happiness inside nilla wafers. cripple rape. 7th grade chat rooms. edible underwear. Mike Tyson. pros and cons of sarcasm. party pooping 101. purple M&Ms. wet farts. magic tricks. air pounds. cinnamon butter. thick dicks. ugly fruit. clone high. makeovers. so you wanna be a hermit part II XXX edition. severed arm obsessions. the art of spooning. skanky hoes. Sarah Jessica Parker. mooning in the dark. pounding beers. whispering sweet nothings. sensitive plants. pouring hot wax on Ricky Martin. crustpunks. biting the bullet. bum fights. honky tonk. blood rags. tmnt green. jumanji. Korn and heroism. wigi. andy dick's scissor hands. Dance TV. dogs in wheelchairs. tickling. pounders. comfort zone. stomach issues. last resort: eHarmony. white trash: buffet style. dick move prevention. the white ninja. organ donations. caressing skills of nerds. types of farts. jokester wannabes. attractive women gyrating on awkward men. hair gel. druggies. eye f*cking. geek gods. breathtaking scenery. eye patch and cape styles. definition of a loser. annoyance of stupidity. cher. why tall people don't necessarily play basketball. what its like to rock out. shimmy techniques. silverfish. emolicious. true life: my boss has a tramp stamp. kirby. the hopeless romantic. look whos barfing now. the official diss guideline. never eat soggy wheaties. eye contact. what not to eat.top 10 reasons why dogs eat poop. how to remove embarrassing walnut stains. tom green. worst way to die. what i like about plinko. life changing lyrics. crotch kicking. downfalls of living the techno dream. menu formatting. the pity laugh. jonesing for beef patties. reba.

Buffalo Hipsters

indie music. off the wall. flats. ipods. side ponytails. black eyeliner. biking. SPoT coffee. tight black pants. deuces. parks. sparks.white vneck ts.wes anderson movies. straight leg jeans. tofu. scarves in the summer. macs. opinionated. big ass sun glasses. chuck taylors. thick framed glasses. kit's face stickers. being pale. death to mainstream. hair so styled. clothes so dark. amvets. myspace. sweet n dirty. being vegetarian. mohawk. calculator watch. skinny. ferngully. bacchus movies on wednesdays. vegan cupcake parties. amy's place. html coding skills. not taking showers. vans slip ons. having dreams of moving to chicago/nyc/portland/toronto. doom metal castle. supernaut booking. drinking wine in arlington park. sound lab. sugarfree redbulls. allentown. blogz. rolled cigs. tattoos. reading hemmingway. drawing anchors. zines. plaid. humus. kitchen dist misser. music snob. creepy staches.

Rudenosity

It's rude to call people stupid dicks without meeting them.
It's rude to think all girls are sluts.
It's rude to burp a smelly one and blow it in someone's face.
It's rude to mooch 24/7.
It's rude to make the gross face at people when they are not trying to be gross.
It's rude to write a blog about being rude when you know someone hates when you say rude.
It's rude to watch broccoli in someone's teeth and not say anything.
It's rude to not shower when you know you will be flying in a plane.
It's rude to blog about stereotypes.
It's rude to stare at ugly people because they are ugly.
It's rude to play the "how many beers does it take to hook up with him" game
It's rude to throw bang drops at people you do not know.
It's rude to use the phrase "I'm just being honest" when you know its hurtful.
It's rude to make fun of pale people when you are with pale people.
It's rude to not accept someone because they like egg salad.
It's rude to pull someone's pants down in public when the person has low self esteem.
It's rude to always pick the shy kids of the class to read.
It's rude to not be a gentleman.
It's rude to hire midget strippers.
It's rude to order grilled cheese at fancy restaurants.
It's rude to overuse the "I was drunk" excuse.
It's rude to ask people what is on their face when its clearly a zit gone wrong.
It's rude to keep your nolongerloved one around so he can buy you things.
It's rude to have a huge party and talk about it in front of people that are not invited.
It's rude to throw up on the person shoes's that is holding your hair back and not offer to clean it up the next day.
It's rude to make fun of people for things they cannot help.
It's rude to tell someone that crisco is frosting to trick her into eating it.
It's rude to point at the girl that likes your brother and laugh that she actually thinks she has a chance.
It's rude to love 'em and leave 'em, unless its mutual.
It's rude to force someone to open their mouth and close their eyes and stick your butt in their face and fart in their mouth.
It's rude to wear cowboy hats when its not halloween.
It's rude to throw meat at vegetarians.
It's rude to taunt wannabe vegetarians with meat.
It's rude to use someones computer when you have sticky fingers.
It's rude to tell a bum to get up from a bench so you can sit there.
It's rude to swear and yell at a tired old man eating an ice cream cone.
It's rude to give your roommates belongings away.
It's rude to ask someone to prom as a joke.
It's rude to wipe your boogers on someone you do not know.
It's rude to go to a meditating class and fol (fart out loud).
It's rude to stain someone's couch and flip it over before they notice its stained.

Ghetto

bling. booties. shopping at rainbow. Cheeto's. iguanas as pets. air force ones. phat pharm. using cell phones on bikes. chains. dembitches. hoop earrings. purple drink. drama. gun shot wounds. man whores. bratz dolls. plain white tees. -izzy. clubs. clock necklaces. bailey. sponge bob paraphernalia. newspaper wrapping paper. long nails. bartons. tooth accessories. nextel. mayo. snail mail. beef patties. geico. sparkling letters in myspace comments. barrettes. bacon. slushies. grilled cheese. text language. spray painted looney tunes Ts. big mac. grindin'. throw away cameras. th = d. mesh shorts. talent shows.Buck Wild. talking to the hand. duct tape. South Pole jeans. genny light. corn dogs. blue eyeshadow. talk boy. gap between teeth. air drying. "baby". ballin'. whistling. fish smell. fabreeze. fish smell covered up with fabreeze. molson xxx. stray cats. faucet water. atlanta. construction paper. stained thongs. side mouth chat. boppin'. butter. swamp porn. hotmail. never using "ing". brit spears from '04-present. ass pads. belly jewelry. multicolored braces. cherry coke. slanted skirts. using a toilet scrubber. impalas. smokin' n ridin'. pitbulls. smack down. dollar tree shower curtains. signature dance moves. cheesy potatoes. wearing "ice". bubble jackets. exotic nature scenes. snow cones. band aids on cheeks. hankies. roller skates. bath and body works body spray. walkman. pimps. controlling the movement of your pecs. portable fans with water sprayer attached. pit stains. weekly steaks. dry humping. fox news. fake purses. middle fingers. saggy boobs. radios. alleys. mazda mvp. giving pennies for halloween. lice.

please note: ok, not all of these are ghetto but it was funny to me calling some of the things ghetto.

Boogers

Boogers are not the best thing in the world. When people have unknown boogers in their nose, I feel really uncomfortable. Uncomfortable to the point where I need to get out of the convo asap. It's a lose-lose situation because if I tell the person he has a boog in his nose, then its just awkward of what to do next, but if I don't and he goes to the bathroom and discovers the nasty unknown boog then it's really awkward when he comes back and knows I've seen it all along. Or if someone else joined the conversation and takes the initiative to mention the boog then I look like an ass. So as soon as I spot the unknown boog, I get out.
It's kinda funny when its so cold out that people cant feel their nose and they have snot running everywhere. It's funny but super sick and I wish it did not happen. I just hate runny noses. I hate when people sniff it up in class. Makes me upset.
An exfriend I had in preschool told me she put her boogers in her nails and eats them later. I stopped our friendship right then and there cause I couldn't handle her touching my things. I think thats a very legitimate reason for ending friendship.
Also, please don't look at your tissue in public when you blow a load out your nose.
Boogers are for the birds.

Voicemails

When I first got a cell phone my senior year of high school, receiving a voicemail was super exciting. Now, it just pisses me off. Ok, not crazy mad, but just annoyed. Ugh, I have to listen to my voicemails. Maybe I find it annoying because they are never actually important. Or maybe I don't like them because I listen to them when I do not have the time to call them back. Or maybe because most are just a waste of time. I do however like drunk voicemails. They bring the lonely smile out in me. But I guess people that see me doing the lonely smile think I am talking on the phone so its alright. I prefer drunk voicemails over drunk phone convos because they are quick and to the point. "Hi im drunk so I wanted to say hi". Whereas, if I answer, they tend to drag out the convo and I have no idea what they are even saying. Amusing though.
But there are several voicemails I like. Nice happy ones brighten up my day. The truly painful part of a voicemail is taking the time to open up my phone and call it. Cause I do not like that lady that talks to me and tells me how many voicemails I have. It takes longer for her to do that than for me to listen to them. It's annoying and unnecessary. I do not see why I cannot skip over that intro if I so choose. Dumb.
I also think the voicemails that start out slow, drag on and on, and then get real speedy at the end are funny because you took long enough why not just talk at a normal pace and finish it. But the only reason I bring this up is because I do it every day. I just have a lot to say in voicemails and talk way too much. It's a huge problem and I feel really bad because for someone that doesn't like voicemails, I should not be leaving them. But I do.
The other part of voicemails is your own recording. I dislike people that make it long. My sister has the worst one. She has George Costanza's. The "Believe it or not, I'm not at home, pleeeease leave a messssssage at the tone, I must be out, or I'd pick up the phone...where could I beee?etc....." It was funny when she first made it. I laughed. I'll admit. But, its 2 years later and she has not changed it. I do not laugh anymore. I get really annoyed. I have to leave her a voicemail or I will forget what I needed to say. So, things like that are pretty annoying as well.
I also hate when someone calls and I know its news I do not want to hear so I put the voice mail off for as long as possible. But that little icon is there on my phone annoying me that I have to listen to it. How annoying.
I was always opposed to the just leave your name and the lady does the rest, but they are somewhat efficient. And professional. When starting new careers, one needs to remember to keep a professional voicemail. And call back tones are important as well. But at the same time, if I was an employer and I called someone to set up an interview and that person's callback tone was Tommy Lee "Get Naked" I would hire them right on the spot because that is funny. So it could help or hurt you. If I were to call and it was anything that has to do with country, I would hang up and never call them again.
There is a lot to consider when making and leaving voicemails. Short and snappy is key. Most people are good with calling their missed calls back even when the people do not leave voicemails and for that I am thankful because that saves a lot of time. If it weren't for the people that say, "well I didn't call you back because you did not leave a voicemail" then the problem would be solved.
Basically, there needs to be a change to the voicemail world. I do not want to hear that lady's voice. That is a good start to the change. I want it to be a norm to call back missed calls that did not leave a voicemail. And I want everyone with a long voicemail to change to just their name or something snappy. And I will do my part and work on not leaving extremely long voicemails.

To Catch A Predator

I think this show is good. It's very funny and it's saving our world from gross people. I appreciate it. I do not understand the people that have been on the show twice. Are they actors? Because thats too good of television I think. TWICE? ON THE SAME SHOW? gosh. That's awesome. The naked guy made me laugh. I mostly hated the guy that wrote about messing around with the girls cat the most. I think they should give him the death penalty. I dont believe in the death penalty, but since its still around, why not. jkjk zlozl I dont wish death upon anyone. But if I were to, he would be in my top 10. Because I like cats. ok so on to the show... When I first saw it I thought, " I would never let my child be that girl!" cause thats scary having her all around sickos and talking to them, but then I heard shes old. So thats ok. Shes one of those andy milenokis people: looks 13 but is 30. weird. I dont know how I feel about that andy show. I thought it had potential till I found out he wasnt 12. Then I thought it was not funny especially cause I was struggling to find the humor when I did think he was 12, but I will admit I did laugh at it a few times. I am not sure if I like or hate the song in the beginning.
so about tcap, its really good. reality tv at its finest. I like shows that do good for society but are interesting as well. That one show that builds houses (Extreme Makeover Home Edition) for people is really nice, but ty pennington makes me not able to watch it. but im still glad its a popular show because its a nice thing. but I chose to write about tcap and not that one cause tcap is really funny in addition to the benefits it provides. Is this bad: sometimes I feel bad for the person. yes yes yes hes super sick freak and I hate his guts for what he is intending to do, but they get so sad, for good reason cause their life is over, and I cant help but feel a little sorry for them. like the ones that say please dont tell my wife please dont tell my wife. I guess I dont pity the man as much as the family. cause thats so horribly embarrassing for the wife. and kids. and friends. ew yick yuck. moving on, another part that I loooove is when they catch him. I am not sure if its necessary to be dressed like a bush. but its completely awesome that they do that. aAll in all, to catch a predator gets two thumbs up in my book!

The Wink

I once fell victim to overdoing the wink. I thought it was really funny and couldn't control the lid of my right eye and just winked the shit out of people. I would do it all the time and yeah it was funny for a while but I just went too far with it. I got to thinking about the wink because this one man that I pass every day in the hall at work always looks at some fake horizon off in the distance so he does not have to say hello to me, but today he finally looked and not only that but he gave me a nice little wink. Not so much that was it creepy, but just a gentle "hi" wink. That's when I realized that winks are actually funny. Not when you overuse them like I had once done in my earlier, more immature, years, and not how that man used it to say hi to me, but using a wink for the actual original purpose of a wink. The wink is really funny if you use it correctly.
Example of winking for its orignal purpose: I am with my two friends, Hank and Wendy. We are in math class. I say to them both, "I'm really nervous for the test we have today." Hank freaking out responds, "WHAT! A TEST! I didnt know we have one!" Wendy nervously looks at me. I give her a subtle wink. That's her clue. She says, "HANK! You didn't study?!?! I've been studying for days!"...like that.
I dunno. I was just thinking about it and using a wink for the hint is good. But not if you overdo it. You have to be very sparing with your winks, thats the key. It's not really funny anymore if u use it to say hi or to be fake creepy. Well maybe a little, but the real humor comes from using a wink for what its meant to be used for. I have yet to actually do this, so in my head I think it would be good, but who knows if I would actually laugh if someone did that to me. But I think I would be amused.

The Response

When I get a new hair cut, for example, and its noticeable and no one says anything, its very sad/embarrassing. It means that its so bad that they can't even mention it. They think they are playing it up like they do not notice, but they do and I know and I get sad. I used to use that as my approach to not having to mention things, but I realized its rude because we all know I noticed and its just rude. It's even better to say its not THAT bad than to say nothing at all. But when someone says its not that bad, that means its pretty bad and that is sad. I also don't like when say for example when I did get that hair cut and someone stares at it for so long that they say they like it. No, you do not like it, you were just looking at its ugliness for so long you had to say something. In conclusion, when I get a bad hair cut:
a. if you do not say anything, I am sad
b. if you say its not that bad, I am sad
c. if you say you like it, I am sad
So, I now try to get less noticeable haircuts so I can just hope that they truly do not notice.

Sticky Buttons

Why is it so miserable to use a computer with sticky buttons? Why is it always the most important button that is on the keyboard that is sticky. I guess since its the most used its the most prone to be sticky. But its really annoying because I rarely use x. It actually could be sticky and I wouldnt really know because I never really use it. I dont like it. Or the stupid F_ buttons. I dont really care about them. They can be sticky and my life wouldn't be too bad, but when the space bar is sticky my world gets a little gloomier. In addition to the gloom, its gross cause what caused that stickiness? When I'm at the computer in the library and its sticky, I just think ewww some gross smelly person was eating some caramel popcorn and sticking his fingers all down his throat and then touching his dirty hands all over the place on the keyboard. Most likely staying away from the x or F_ buttons because it would be too convenient to let the stick fall on those ones. No he has to save all his stick ick nasty fingers for the space bar. Not only are sticky keyboards the pits, but don't even get me started on sticky controllers for nintendo. My little cousins love ruining my controllers. I don't know if its physically possible for them to play without having sticky sick hands. Maybe it helps them play? But I find it really annoying cause I have gotten into actual arguments with my sister for who gets the sticky controller. No one wants it. If you lose you blame it on the controller. If you win you boast the hell of it saying how amazing you are winning with the sticky controller. Its just no fun all around. Some kids just look sticky. They are always the ones that try to hold my hand. And the ones with colds. They are obsessed with holding hands. I would probably buy a new cell phone if it had a sticky button. The buttons are too few to be having one be troublesome. A pound I would consider not getting a new one but then again its the space bar for my texts so its very necessary. I do not like letting sticky looking people borrow my calculator either. The last thing I need during a test is to have a sticky button and be getting annoyed at that in addition to the fact that all tests are pretty annoying. I did let someone borrow my calculator once and it came back sticky. It was very annoying. But I just pressed the button about 1,000,056 times till it got sick of sticking and back to his old self. In conclusion, sticky fingers annoy me and I wish people would try a little harder to rid themselves of the stick.