Letter to Dentists

Dear Dentists,

Why do you only ask me questions when you hands are all over my mouth? Are you trying to make the worst possible noise when you scrape my teeth with that horrible death tool? Please do not be offended when I end up punching you in the face one day because when you scrape my teeth, my entire body clenches up and I want to die. I think a punch in your face would make it a lot better. It's not that I hate the person you are, but it is. And if my body is clenched and you are asking me a question when it is very clear that I am not able to respond, I will punch you.

Sincerely,

JME

PS I noticed you recently changed your gloves from regular latex to grape flavored. I'm not sure how I feel about this.

Furry Hoods

I would like to begin saying I am completely against wearing any real fur.
My initial feelings when I first saw fur on hoods were hmmmm ok. I did not partake in the purchasing of a furry hood because I just wasn't sure about it. Several years later, I realized I was ready for a plaid coat. So my hunt for the plaid coat of my dreams was on. There it was! Delias! What a stinkin cute plaid coat. Light blue, and off white and brown. PERFECT! It had fur on the hood, but I did not care. Too cutesy to pass up. OMG they only have XL and XS. OMG I am neither one of those sizes. OMG. I had 20 dollars off and it could not have been more perfect, so of course the coat of my dreams was not in my size.
Two weeks later...
There I was back at the mall with Christmas presents as my main intention. Although my mother and father do not need anything from Delias, I thought, why not go in and look. OMG there is one coat of my dreams left. Dont get too excited, it's probably not your size, I thought OMG my size. OMG.
So I finally had a coat with fur. I enjoyed it. A little extra coverage and its nice and soft. I feel that I am not for or against fur on hoods. If it's on a coat I like, sure, if not I'm ok with that too. But boys? That is iffy. To this day I am still not sure about boys wearing fur on hoods. I have several friends that wear fur on hoods and I am quite proud of them for being able to pull it off very well. But there are also very many men in my life that I hope never try to wear fur in the hoods because I believe they just cannot handle it.

Please note that I am pretty sure fur inside the entire hood is unacceptable for men of all ages but I am always willing for someone to prove me wrong. This is very rare to happen.
Also note that I am against any full furred hoods from Abercrombie and Hollister because I am against Abercrombie and Hollister. To tell you how shallow I actually am, if the future man of my dreams that was so perfect for me came up to me for the first time wearing a shirt that said Abercrombie across his chest, I would probably not give him a second thought. Thats sad. Sad but true. I just do not get it. You just paid $60 for a stupid shirt that says Abercrombie. You are dumb. I do not like you.
Ok I have one friend that wears clothes like that, but I tell him all the time he is weird and I'm not sure why we are friends.

The Laugh Response

I do not know if I have bad hearing or if I am just prone to meeting mumblers, but whatever it is I can never hear what people are saying. I can hear what my friends are saying. Maybe once I become friends with someone they get louder. Anyways, when I first meet people its automatically awkward because that is my lifestyle. So when I meet someone and they say things and I cannot hear what they are saying, I either say what about a million times or give the laugh response. I choose the laugh response 9 times out of 10. If I truly am concerned with what you actually said I will possibly say what but for some reason I get awkward and can't manage to say what or just don't care so I laugh and hope that what they said was funny. I do usually start out saying what but I'm not going to say it every ten seconds so I just pretend to hear you. This is really stupid of me yet I do it all the time. I am mentioning this because I was recently caught. This new man that I met asked me a question. All I heard what "so youdsgjkhhsdglsgkjs" so I responded, "hehahehheh" Then he said "what?" because he asked me a question. I guess that is better than if he said, "My grandma and cat died today" because then I would just look like an ass. In this situation I just looked like a superfreak and I probably will not be talking to this man any time soon.
In conclusion, please speak more clearly and if you are not good at doing so, please understand that I will not always say what, I will have no idea what you are saying to me, and I'm not a superfreak when I laugh at your questions.

Getting Wasted

I'm for it. It's fun. I wish I did not like it so much. I usually have a handful of regrets for the nights when I'm at my prime waste case.
Getting wasted is funny because it has so many funny sayings to go along with it. Such as:

• You saucin' tonight?
• Lets pound some.
• You wanna get slam jammered?
• I was so hammered.
• Lets get sloppy.
• Drink the sweet nectar of the gods
  
• What a sh*tshow.
• Let's get retarded in here.
• Get f*cked up.
• I'm tipsy
  
• Lets drink an assortment of cocktails till we get real loosey goosey.
• 18 to get busy, 21 to get dizzy
• Get stupid.
• under the influence
• messed up
• YOURE INTOXICATED
  

The thing is, they are all pretty funny to say. Please note that if you say any of these and are fir realz about it, you're weird. I mean maybe you can pull off a few. But never say sauced and mean it. That is my problem in life. I think its weird to say sauced. I think its really lame. So I say it. I think its funny to say. Then I meet new people. I do not realize that these new people do not know that I am not fir real and then the new people run away. Whatevs.
Anyways I really like to drink lots of cocktails in a row.
I do not like when people are so drunk that their eyes are all over the place.
I never want to be too old to drink Sparks.
I do not find it funny to get an animal drunk, however, if the animal is drunk naturally by a fermented pumpkin for instance, I will laugh.
I hate being on the bus and hearing other peoples drunk stories.
I hate it more if its a freshman saying it.
I hate it more that I am that person sometimes.
Think of how awkward life would be without booze. I wouldn't be able to socialize with anyone! jk lol.
I only don't drink beer because the ratio of drunkness to how often I have to pee is too far off.
I only order vodka tonic because I do not know what else to get.
Shots cause weird faces and can't be done in public.
I know I am drunk when the shot I took was easy or if I become a hugger.
Overall, its a nice time till you make yourself look like a fool.

Bad Breath

Ew. Cant stand it. Ok. We all have it sometimes. But when I have it, I either a. brush my teeth b. chew gum c. dont talk to people unless I'm at least 5 feet away. Why do I do this? Out of respect. I'm pretty sure you can always tell when you have bad breath, so take out a piece of orbit and chew you dumb fool.
Scenario: We are talking and I pull out a piece of gum and offer it to you. TAKE IT. Maybe I'm doing it to be nice and offer a friendly piece. OR maybe it's a nice hint that your breath is rank. Either way, take the stupid piece of gum.
If we are talking and I act uninterested its either because a. you're really boring. b. you're dumb c. i hate you d. you have bad breath and I really can't stand being near you.
The worse is when a bad breather is into whispers. EW PLEASE DONT GET CLOSE TO ME.
If you notice I am holding my breath every time you inch closer to me, realize your breath is unbearable.
Take a hint and brush your teeth sometime.

The Eye F*ck

I got this term from the movie Wedding Crashers. Did I like that movie? No, not really. I mean, it has some sort of maybe but not really potential but it was long as f*ck and I think that ruined it completely. But what I did get out of this little movie was the term "eye f*ck."
It's funny to say. It's funny to do. It's funny to have done to you. It's funny.
Eye Effing can be very creepy when done incorrectly. I am very good at doing this incorrectly. Never have I successfully eye boned a hottie. Have I tried? Of course. I think it has worked toward my disadvantage. I believe they think "ew, who is that creepy creepster glaring weirdly at me?" But in reality, I'm nice. Not creepy.

I am pretty sure no one has ever realized that I attempted the eye f*ck.

Oh well.

Dick Quiz

There are a lot of dicks in the world. You may be one right now and not even know it. Here is a quiz to see if you are classified as a dick:

1. Do you only like a girl of she if considered hot?
2. Do you search "fat girl fall" on youtube?
3. Do you keep a list of girls you have boned and rate them?
4. Do you "forget" hanging out with someone that you do not want to hang out with?
5. Do you lead girls on and do it until they accidentally find out about the other girls?
6. Do you pop your collar and/or gel your hair?
7. Do you laugh at ugly people?
8. Have you been quoted saying, "I'm not cocky, just confident"?
9. Are you a male?
10. Are you in a fraternity?
11. Do you pretend to be compassionate when you made a girl cry, but then laugh about it to your friends?
12. Do you enjoy watching Bum Fights?
13. Do you text message breakup?
14. Do you have a "Support Strippers" bumper sticker on your car?
15. When lying in bed, do you fart and shove the girls face under the covers?
16. Are you selfish?
17. Have you cheated more than once?
18. Do you have a restraining order against you?
19. Do you luv 'em 'n' leave 'em?
20. Has a girl ever stabbed you with a fork?
21. Have you ever pushed a lady over the age of 60 when in a hurry?
22. Have you been called a dick?
23. Have you ever said "bitch, please" and meant it?
24. Do you own a hummer?
25. When at the gym, do you spend more than 30% of the time looking in the mirror?
26. Did you vote for Bush?
27. Do you enjoy listening to Nickelback not as a joke?
28. Do your dress shirts have a logo under the collar?
29. Are you shirtless in your facebook/myspace picture?
30. Do you have a Young Jeezy ringtone?


If you said yes to any of these, CONGRATS you're a dick!

Runny Noses

I don't like being around people when they have a runny nose. If you are my friend and you have a cold, do not get mad at me when I don't like you for a few days. I just really do not like listening to you sniffle your snot back in your nose. It really makes my stomach hurt and I get a bad feeling all over my body. I, too, get colds, but I am referring to when other people get colds and not myself.
When I am taking a test and you are sitting next to me with the nastiest case of the sniffles: I hate you.
When I meet you and you shake my hand and I know you have a cold: I hate you.
When I meet you and you shake my hand and I don't know you have a cold but find out later that you do: I hate you more. I hate you more because if I know you have a cold and I shake your hand, I am able to just give you the tips of my fingers and make it last .5 seconds. But if you trick me and I see you blowing your nose all over the place later and I gave you a real deal handshake: F*ck you. Who shakes hands when they are sick? Dont.
I have not been to church in quite some time, but when I did and it was time for the "Peace be with you" handshake, I specifically avoided people with colds. I would do an extra long one with the healthy ones and avoid all eye contact with anyone that had anything resembling a cold. I felt like that was really bad of me, but I also just think that when the handshake and peace be with you part was included in the mass, people did not know much about germs. Then we learned about germs, but tradition was too important so they had to keep the handshake. I think traditions are silly so I dropped that one.
It's so gross to hear someone blow their nose. Its weird because its so gross, yet I do not leave the room when I need to blow my nose. I just let loose.
If you have a cold and use the computer in the library right before me: I hate you. I understand that you cant help it, but understand that I can't help hating you.
I think colds are a huge bummer. I hate having to think about my nose in addition to other things. I hate sleeping with a stuffy nose. Actually, I hate not sleeping due to a stuffy nose.
I do, however, enjoy taking Nyquil.