Shoes

I like them. Never have I ever considered myself to be one of those girls that die for shoes and although I still will not make a stupid squeal when I do come across a cute pair, I realized, ok yes I do like them a lot. I just realized because I noticed all the ones I own. I only wear about 3 of them. This is due to the fact that I hate blisters. They ruin my life. Every shoe I purchase I envision myself just dealing with the pain and breaking the shoes in but then when it comes time to actually do that I envision me hating my life for that night in those uncomfortable shoes and stick with my comfort zone shoes. I go from 0 to 100 on the bitch scale when a blister has formed. Its really annoying to walk with a blister. There are about a million things that could be happening worse to me at the moment I have to walk a few blocks with a blister in the most uncomfortable shoes such as being stranded on a piece of wood in the atlantic ocean surrounded by sharks with one leg bitten off but at that moment that I have to walk with that shoe and that blister, life seems to be at its max worst. (I know that is a horrible sentence and may take a few times to read before you understand how it works but I wrote it not jokingly and its so bad I had to keep it for the humor) I recently questioned would you rather have to be in the situation where you had to pee uncontrollably and were forced to hold it for 15 minutes before you reached a toilet (and there is no option of going before the 15 min) or have to walk for 15 minutes in the same shoes that caused you to have the worst blisters ever. Everyone but myself chose they would rather have to pee bad cause they hate blisters. I chose walk in the blisters because I hate needing to go to the bathroom. So basically what I just wrote earlier is contradicted and I do not know where I am going with this blog.

Honking

It's a funny reaction to see someone attractive and honk your horn.
I get pretty mad when people honk at me when I'm on my bike because I'm being legit.
I have used the honk for its actual purpose maybe twice.
I prefer honking over going out and ringing the doorbell.
I find it rude if a boy were to do that unless he used the doorbell and I told him a honk would suffice from now on.
Mitch Hedberg has a good joke on honking: I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn, because people honk the car horn too much. 3 honks, that's the limit. And then someone cuts you off, ffffft, you press your horn, nothing happens. You're like, "shit! I wish I wouldn't have seen Ricky on the sidewalk!"
I think that joke is better if you heard him say it.
What is the honky tonk? I hate every country song with that word in it. Actually I just hate every country song.
If my car honk had a cute honk to it I would use it a lot more.
If it had one of those mini little tune to it, it would be worn out by now.
I should get a bumper sticker that says Honk For Peace so then whether they were honking because I did something wrong or honking for peace, I would assume it was peace and be more at peace with myself.
I prefer the honk + middle finger. It adds a lot.
I did that once. It was necessary. Then they were next to me for several minutes. It was awkward.
Do geese honk? I think so.
I have no opinions on a clown having a red nose that is honkable.

Condiments

I think condiments are not that interesting, yet interesting enough to blog about. I just recently heard that Ketchup is considered trashy. I am not sure how I feel about that statement just yet. Let me think about it and get back to it.

I love hot sauce, as a true blogging fan of mine would already know. Mustard is sicker than severed arms covered in butter. I do however like wearing the color mustard: very fashionable. Mayo couldn’t get any ghettoer. I think its equivalent to eating lard and I think that’s gross. Egg salad has mayo in it and I think that adds to the sick nasty factor of it all. I hate seeing people put relish on things. Its so gross and why would you ever eat it? Actually, I never ate relish. I know I won’t like it, ergo I will never try it because I am mature enough to know what I like and do not like without having to try it first. Please don’t tell me that I have to try everything at least once because I don’t.

Would you consider humus a condiment?

I like vinegar on fries. It’s a good change from ketchup. I think if I could only choose ketchup or vinegar for a lifetime of fry eating I would choose ketchup, but because vinegar is rare I choose it when given the opportunity cause it’s a nice taste. I love love love ketchup on my fries though and I eat a lot of it on every fry if given the opportunity. I would approximate my ultimate ketchup to fry ratio would be one packet to 4 fries. Yes, I know that fries come in all different shapes and sizes but I am referring to the average sized fry. Waffle fries are too good. Catsup on anything but fries is rank. I do not put it on burgers or hot dogs. I don’t like ketchup bread. Its really gross.

Steak sauce? I don’t see a need for it. I actually can’t recall if I have ever tried it but steak rocks on its own so why go overboard?

Ranch dressing used to be so awesome to me. Now I look at it and get a little gross feeling in my stomach. Its just so heavy. I guess I still like it on chicken fingers but I’m a flexetarian now so I rarely come across that opportunity. Putting ranch on a salad defeats the purpose of a salad. I’m gonna eat a salad only to be healthy, so if I put ranch on the stupid salad its most likely as fattening as eating something good so obvi I’m going to pick the something good.

There are more condiments, but I would prefer to stop talking about them now. I will leave you with this discussion topic: Is maple syrup a condiment? It is in Elf but I’m not sure if I would classify it as one. And also, do you pronounce it sir-up or sere-up or use them both interchangeably?

Chunks

Chunky highlights are white trash.
I named my car Chunk.
The term "blowing chunks" is the worst way you can describe vomit.
Chunk is the best character in The Goonies, but I also am typical and have a love for Sloth.
I did not like spaghetti for 13 years because I could not find a sauce without any chunks in it.
I now buy salsa chunky style and I still do not understand how I like it.
I would like Fat Joe better if he was called Chunk Master Flex/Chunk Nasty/Chunk This Dunk.
Chunky boys are cute because they resemble a cuddly teddy bear.
Chunky shoes should never be worn.
All ice cream with the word chunk in it is amazing UNLESS its describing nuts.
There is a town called Chunky, Mississippi and I kinda want to live there.
When your hair comes out in chunks in the shower you should change your lifestyle.
Chunky Kong in Donkey Kong 64 is awesome.
When the first part of lotion to come out is a chunk, I find it gross.
Typing "chunk" in urbandictionary.com and reading every term with chunk in it will make you laugh.
Chocolate chip cookies are better when they have double chocolate chunks in them.
In the world of hard metal, guitarists may sometimes be found "chunking" out heavy, low-end riffs.
I like the word chunk.

Halloween

This is an interesting holiday. Did you know that candy at Wegmans is not most popular at Halloween time? What time is it most popular you ask? Christmas! Stalking stuffers I would assume. But I am glad I know that because if I was on a game show and my question was when do grocery stores stock up on candy the most and I 50/50ed it down to Christmas or Halloween, I think I would have said Halloween final answer. So, I consider myself lucky. How did I get this exclusive information you ask? The head of the candy department at Wegman's told me. Moving on, yeah I like halloween. It's my one chance to be a super slut and dress it too. Actually, to tell you the truth I have not really taken advantage of this holiday for that reason yet. But I am still young. Maybe if it was warmer the thought of dressing like that one day maybe would cross my mind. But I get really mean when I'm at an uncomfortable temperature and so I like to be comfortably warm. It's hard to be warm and slutty at the same time. Here are things that I have been for halloween: mermaid, witch, miss ugly america, statue of liberty, genie, native american, asian lady, old lady, bee, grapes ..but every year I went trick or treating, no matter what I was when I dressed up for school, I was a hobo at night. It was always too cold to wear my real costume, so my parents made both me and my sister pretend we were hobos. All we did was put on my dads old hunting jackets, put brown make up on our face to look dirty and tell people we were hobos. My statue of liberty costume got me in second place for best costumes of the 5th graders. Morgan won being a giant piece of cheese. It was a good costume.
Do you remember those M&Ms costumes? When my friend was in 4th grade she wore a white one and made it say Tylenol. I always thought she was really funny for that. Then the next year she was a snickers bar but she really was just a giant piece of poop.
My most recent costume was grapes. I wore all green and pinned purple balloons on myself. We went to a show (Deerhoof and Fiery Furnaces) that night then to a party. Being grapes is a bad idea when you go to shows. Being grapes is a bad idea when you have to get in a car. Being grapes is a bad idea when you want to reach your hand to your mouth to drink anything. Being grapes is a good idea when you want to bounce in peoples faces.
In conclusion, Halloween is a nice day and I hope I never have that awkward moment at work where I am unsure if they dress up or not so I do and no one else does and then I have to sit in my office with my tinkerbell costume all day.

Hair Gel

just don't do it.

Coming Soon...

water beds. happiness inside nilla wafers. cripple rape. 7th grade chat rooms. edible underwear. Mike Tyson. pros and cons of sarcasm. party pooping 101. purple M&Ms. wet farts. magic tricks. air pounds. cinnamon butter. thick dicks. ugly fruit. clone high. makeovers. so you wanna be a hermit part II XXX edition. severed arm obsessions. the art of spooning. skanky hoes. Sarah Jessica Parker. mooning in the dark. pounding beers. whispering sweet nothings. sensitive plants. pouring hot wax on Ricky Martin. crustpunks. biting the bullet. bum fights. honky tonk. blood rags. tmnt green. jumanji. Korn and heroism. wigi. andy dick's scissor hands. Dance TV. dogs in wheelchairs. tickling. pounders. comfort zone. stomach issues. last resort: eHarmony. white trash: buffet style. dick move prevention. the white ninja. organ donations. caressing skills of nerds. types of farts. jokester wannabes. attractive women gyrating on awkward men. hair gel. druggies. eye f*cking. geek gods. breathtaking scenery. eye patch and cape styles. definition of a loser. annoyance of stupidity. cher. why tall people don't necessarily play basketball. what its like to rock out. shimmy techniques. silverfish. emolicious. true life: my boss has a tramp stamp. kirby. the hopeless romantic. look whos barfing now. the official diss guideline. never eat soggy wheaties. eye contact. what not to eat.top 10 reasons why dogs eat poop. how to remove embarrassing walnut stains. tom green. worst way to die. what i like about plinko. life changing lyrics. crotch kicking. downfalls of living the techno dream. menu formatting. the pity laugh. jonesing for beef patties. reba.

Buffalo Hipsters

indie music. off the wall. flats. ipods. side ponytails. black eyeliner. biking. SPoT coffee. tight black pants. deuces. parks. sparks.white vneck ts.wes anderson movies. straight leg jeans. tofu. scarves in the summer. macs. opinionated. big ass sun glasses. chuck taylors. thick framed glasses. kit's face stickers. being pale. death to mainstream. hair so styled. clothes so dark. amvets. myspace. sweet n dirty. being vegetarian. mohawk. calculator watch. skinny. ferngully. bacchus movies on wednesdays. vegan cupcake parties. amy's place. html coding skills. not taking showers. vans slip ons. having dreams of moving to chicago/nyc/portland/toronto. doom metal castle. supernaut booking. drinking wine in arlington park. sound lab. sugarfree redbulls. allentown. blogz. rolled cigs. tattoos. reading hemmingway. drawing anchors. zines. plaid. humus. kitchen dist misser. music snob. creepy staches.

Rudenosity

It's rude to call people stupid dicks without meeting them.
It's rude to think all girls are sluts.
It's rude to burp a smelly one and blow it in someone's face.
It's rude to mooch 24/7.
It's rude to make the gross face at people when they are not trying to be gross.
It's rude to write a blog about being rude when you know someone hates when you say rude.
It's rude to watch broccoli in someone's teeth and not say anything.
It's rude to not shower when you know you will be flying in a plane.
It's rude to blog about stereotypes.
It's rude to stare at ugly people because they are ugly.
It's rude to play the "how many beers does it take to hook up with him" game
It's rude to throw bang drops at people you do not know.
It's rude to use the phrase "I'm just being honest" when you know its hurtful.
It's rude to make fun of pale people when you are with pale people.
It's rude to not accept someone because they like egg salad.
It's rude to pull someone's pants down in public when the person has low self esteem.
It's rude to always pick the shy kids of the class to read.
It's rude to not be a gentleman.
It's rude to hire midget strippers.
It's rude to order grilled cheese at fancy restaurants.
It's rude to overuse the "I was drunk" excuse.
It's rude to ask people what is on their face when its clearly a zit gone wrong.
It's rude to keep your nolongerloved one around so he can buy you things.
It's rude to have a huge party and talk about it in front of people that are not invited.
It's rude to throw up on the person shoes's that is holding your hair back and not offer to clean it up the next day.
It's rude to make fun of people for things they cannot help.
It's rude to tell someone that crisco is frosting to trick her into eating it.
It's rude to point at the girl that likes your brother and laugh that she actually thinks she has a chance.
It's rude to love 'em and leave 'em, unless its mutual.
It's rude to force someone to open their mouth and close their eyes and stick your butt in their face and fart in their mouth.
It's rude to wear cowboy hats when its not halloween.
It's rude to throw meat at vegetarians.
It's rude to taunt wannabe vegetarians with meat.
It's rude to use someones computer when you have sticky fingers.
It's rude to tell a bum to get up from a bench so you can sit there.
It's rude to swear and yell at a tired old man eating an ice cream cone.
It's rude to give your roommates belongings away.
It's rude to ask someone to prom as a joke.
It's rude to wipe your boogers on someone you do not know.
It's rude to go to a meditating class and fol (fart out loud).
It's rude to stain someone's couch and flip it over before they notice its stained.

Ghetto

bling. booties. shopping at rainbow. Cheeto's. iguanas as pets. air force ones. phat pharm. using cell phones on bikes. chains. dembitches. hoop earrings. purple drink. drama. gun shot wounds. man whores. bratz dolls. plain white tees. -izzy. clubs. clock necklaces. bailey. sponge bob paraphernalia. newspaper wrapping paper. long nails. bartons. tooth accessories. nextel. mayo. snail mail. beef patties. geico. sparkling letters in myspace comments. barrettes. bacon. slushies. grilled cheese. text language. spray painted looney tunes Ts. big mac. grindin'. throw away cameras. th = d. mesh shorts. talent shows.Buck Wild. talking to the hand. duct tape. South Pole jeans. genny light. corn dogs. blue eyeshadow. talk boy. gap between teeth. air drying. "baby". ballin'. whistling. fish smell. fabreeze. fish smell covered up with fabreeze. molson xxx. stray cats. faucet water. atlanta. construction paper. stained thongs. side mouth chat. boppin'. butter. swamp porn. hotmail. never using "ing". brit spears from '04-present. ass pads. belly jewelry. multicolored braces. cherry coke. slanted skirts. using a toilet scrubber. impalas. smokin' n ridin'. pitbulls. smack down. dollar tree shower curtains. signature dance moves. cheesy potatoes. wearing "ice". bubble jackets. exotic nature scenes. snow cones. band aids on cheeks. hankies. roller skates. bath and body works body spray. walkman. pimps. controlling the movement of your pecs. portable fans with water sprayer attached. pit stains. weekly steaks. dry humping. fox news. fake purses. middle fingers. saggy boobs. radios. alleys. mazda mvp. giving pennies for halloween. lice.

please note: ok, not all of these are ghetto but it was funny to me calling some of the things ghetto.

Boogers

Boogers are not the best thing in the world. When people have unknown boogers in their nose, I feel really uncomfortable. Uncomfortable to the point where I need to get out of the convo asap. It's a lose-lose situation because if I tell the person he has a boog in his nose, then its just awkward of what to do next, but if I don't and he goes to the bathroom and discovers the nasty unknown boog then it's really awkward when he comes back and knows I've seen it all along. Or if someone else joined the conversation and takes the initiative to mention the boog then I look like an ass. So as soon as I spot the unknown boog, I get out.
It's kinda funny when its so cold out that people cant feel their nose and they have snot running everywhere. It's funny but super sick and I wish it did not happen. I just hate runny noses. I hate when people sniff it up in class. Makes me upset.
An exfriend I had in preschool told me she put her boogers in her nails and eats them later. I stopped our friendship right then and there cause I couldn't handle her touching my things. I think thats a very legitimate reason for ending friendship.
Also, please don't look at your tissue in public when you blow a load out your nose.
Boogers are for the birds.

Voicemails

When I first got a cell phone my senior year of high school, receiving a voicemail was super exciting. Now, it just pisses me off. Ok, not crazy mad, but just annoyed. Ugh, I have to listen to my voicemails. Maybe I find it annoying because they are never actually important. Or maybe I don't like them because I listen to them when I do not have the time to call them back. Or maybe because most are just a waste of time. I do however like drunk voicemails. They bring the lonely smile out in me. But I guess people that see me doing the lonely smile think I am talking on the phone so its alright. I prefer drunk voicemails over drunk phone convos because they are quick and to the point. "Hi im drunk so I wanted to say hi". Whereas, if I answer, they tend to drag out the convo and I have no idea what they are even saying. Amusing though.
But there are several voicemails I like. Nice happy ones brighten up my day. The truly painful part of a voicemail is taking the time to open up my phone and call it. Cause I do not like that lady that talks to me and tells me how many voicemails I have. It takes longer for her to do that than for me to listen to them. It's annoying and unnecessary. I do not see why I cannot skip over that intro if I so choose. Dumb.
I also think the voicemails that start out slow, drag on and on, and then get real speedy at the end are funny because you took long enough why not just talk at a normal pace and finish it. But the only reason I bring this up is because I do it every day. I just have a lot to say in voicemails and talk way too much. It's a huge problem and I feel really bad because for someone that doesn't like voicemails, I should not be leaving them. But I do.
The other part of voicemails is your own recording. I dislike people that make it long. My sister has the worst one. She has George Costanza's. The "Believe it or not, I'm not at home, pleeeease leave a messssssage at the tone, I must be out, or I'd pick up the phone...where could I beee?etc....." It was funny when she first made it. I laughed. I'll admit. But, its 2 years later and she has not changed it. I do not laugh anymore. I get really annoyed. I have to leave her a voicemail or I will forget what I needed to say. So, things like that are pretty annoying as well.
I also hate when someone calls and I know its news I do not want to hear so I put the voice mail off for as long as possible. But that little icon is there on my phone annoying me that I have to listen to it. How annoying.
I was always opposed to the just leave your name and the lady does the rest, but they are somewhat efficient. And professional. When starting new careers, one needs to remember to keep a professional voicemail. And call back tones are important as well. But at the same time, if I was an employer and I called someone to set up an interview and that person's callback tone was Tommy Lee "Get Naked" I would hire them right on the spot because that is funny. So it could help or hurt you. If I were to call and it was anything that has to do with country, I would hang up and never call them again.
There is a lot to consider when making and leaving voicemails. Short and snappy is key. Most people are good with calling their missed calls back even when the people do not leave voicemails and for that I am thankful because that saves a lot of time. If it weren't for the people that say, "well I didn't call you back because you did not leave a voicemail" then the problem would be solved.
Basically, there needs to be a change to the voicemail world. I do not want to hear that lady's voice. That is a good start to the change. I want it to be a norm to call back missed calls that did not leave a voicemail. And I want everyone with a long voicemail to change to just their name or something snappy. And I will do my part and work on not leaving extremely long voicemails.

To Catch A Predator

I think this show is good. It's very funny and it's saving our world from gross people. I appreciate it. I do not understand the people that have been on the show twice. Are they actors? Because thats too good of television I think. TWICE? ON THE SAME SHOW? gosh. That's awesome. The naked guy made me laugh. I mostly hated the guy that wrote about messing around with the girls cat the most. I think they should give him the death penalty. I dont believe in the death penalty, but since its still around, why not. jkjk zlozl I dont wish death upon anyone. But if I were to, he would be in my top 10. Because I like cats. ok so on to the show... When I first saw it I thought, " I would never let my child be that girl!" cause thats scary having her all around sickos and talking to them, but then I heard shes old. So thats ok. Shes one of those andy milenokis people: looks 13 but is 30. weird. I dont know how I feel about that andy show. I thought it had potential till I found out he wasnt 12. Then I thought it was not funny especially cause I was struggling to find the humor when I did think he was 12, but I will admit I did laugh at it a few times. I am not sure if I like or hate the song in the beginning.
so about tcap, its really good. reality tv at its finest. I like shows that do good for society but are interesting as well. That one show that builds houses (Extreme Makeover Home Edition) for people is really nice, but ty pennington makes me not able to watch it. but im still glad its a popular show because its a nice thing. but I chose to write about tcap and not that one cause tcap is really funny in addition to the benefits it provides. Is this bad: sometimes I feel bad for the person. yes yes yes hes super sick freak and I hate his guts for what he is intending to do, but they get so sad, for good reason cause their life is over, and I cant help but feel a little sorry for them. like the ones that say please dont tell my wife please dont tell my wife. I guess I dont pity the man as much as the family. cause thats so horribly embarrassing for the wife. and kids. and friends. ew yick yuck. moving on, another part that I loooove is when they catch him. I am not sure if its necessary to be dressed like a bush. but its completely awesome that they do that. aAll in all, to catch a predator gets two thumbs up in my book!

The Wink

I once fell victim to overdoing the wink. I thought it was really funny and couldn't control the lid of my right eye and just winked the shit out of people. I would do it all the time and yeah it was funny for a while but I just went too far with it. I got to thinking about the wink because this one man that I pass every day in the hall at work always looks at some fake horizon off in the distance so he does not have to say hello to me, but today he finally looked and not only that but he gave me a nice little wink. Not so much that was it creepy, but just a gentle "hi" wink. That's when I realized that winks are actually funny. Not when you overuse them like I had once done in my earlier, more immature, years, and not how that man used it to say hi to me, but using a wink for the actual original purpose of a wink. The wink is really funny if you use it correctly.
Example of winking for its orignal purpose: I am with my two friends, Hank and Wendy. We are in math class. I say to them both, "I'm really nervous for the test we have today." Hank freaking out responds, "WHAT! A TEST! I didnt know we have one!" Wendy nervously looks at me. I give her a subtle wink. That's her clue. She says, "HANK! You didn't study?!?! I've been studying for days!"...like that.
I dunno. I was just thinking about it and using a wink for the hint is good. But not if you overdo it. You have to be very sparing with your winks, thats the key. It's not really funny anymore if u use it to say hi or to be fake creepy. Well maybe a little, but the real humor comes from using a wink for what its meant to be used for. I have yet to actually do this, so in my head I think it would be good, but who knows if I would actually laugh if someone did that to me. But I think I would be amused.